Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think that is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

It is obvious that
sports
professionals get a higher level of salaries than other experts who are working in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different fields.
While
some persuade that
sports
professions are significantly paid more money
differing
Verb problem
compared
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to other professions, I assert they
are deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
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it considering their deep and wide range of qualities and impact on
nation
Add an article
the nation
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.
Firstly
,
Sports
professional trainers
are required
Change the verb form
have required
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a broad basic knowledge. They play a role in introducing diverse training programs and judging athletes' physical and psychological conditions to induce not only their best conditions but
also
potential abilities in competitions. The aforementioned work demands sophisticated skills and data that had to be built up through various athletes'
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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.
For example
, Yeon A Kim was
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
outstanding Korean skating athlete and is now working as a trainer to grow talents. Her skills and competitive abilities, which were improved through experience in rivals and competition,
attribute
Wrong verb form
attributed
show examples
to young talents to win their competition in the Olympics with
a
Remove the article
apply
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consistent training.
Furthermore
, exercising experts contribute their skills to our country. The governments of numerous countries invest their resources to hire the best
trainer
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trainers
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to achieve the golden medals in
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
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since it
enable
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enables
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nation
Correct article usage
the nation
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get
Fix the infinitive
to get
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fame and prestige through
wining
Correct your spelling
winning
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. Other professionals
such
as lawyers and doctors are needed to learn sophisticated information about their domains.
However
, their influences are limited within our nation so that their salaries are valued lower than
sport
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sports
show examples
trainers who affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
worldwide. In conclusion, I believe that
sports
masters should a lot
of
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apply
show examples
money more than other masters in distinct fields considering wider and deeper qualities and the level of contribution when it comes to enhancing nations' prestige.
Submitted by ekgus2309 on

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task achievement
The essay should provide more clarity and depth in its arguments to achieve a higher score. Enhanced explanation of points and inclusion of supporting details/examples is necessary.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and points to enhance overall coherence and cohesion. Work on more logical structuring of ideas and flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the topic, which helps in framing the essay.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide relevant specific examples, like the mention of Yeon A Kim, which adds value to the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
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