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Band 5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimise the bad effects?

#people #access #computers #basis #children #computer #games #impacts #minimise #effects
As technology is developed, many people
use
computers
 in diverse ways and especially
children
 spend a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of
time
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
computer
games
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss what kind of negative impacts could happen and how to reduce these bad effects. ​​First of all, playing
computer
games
 can cause health problems and can be an obstacle
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 studying. The more
children
use
computers
, the more sitting
time
 is increased. When kids are young, they should spend a lot of
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exercising and
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
.
This
 is because activities can create positive energy and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to mental and physical health.
However
, playing
computer
games
 keeps
children
 from being active.
In addition
, the obsession
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
computers
 makes it hard for
children
 to concentrate on studying. To focus on study,
children
 are required to have long-lasting concentration and patience.
Computer
games
 give immediate satisfaction and if
children
 keep getting used to it, they will never learn how to be patient. Eventually, it will
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on their tasks.
Therefore
, playing
computer
games
 should be controlled by adults.
To fix
Change the verb form
Fixing
show examples
 these problems,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
requires many people’s help
such
 as parents, teachers, the
government
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. The
government
 should make a law to make
children
use
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
computers
. In Korea, there is a shutdown law that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
 users, who are under 18, cannot access
computer
games
 after 10
p.m
Correct your spelling
p.m.
 and it works to reduce the amount of
time
 spent on
computers
. Not only the
government
 moves but
also
 parents’ and teachers’ efforts are required. They should keep educating
children
that
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how to
use
computers
 in the right way and why they have to learn self-control. In the end, many problems of
computer
games
 could be fixed. In conclusion,
computer
games
 can cause a variety of issues,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 health issues and blocking
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. If people teach
children
 how to
use
computers
 in the right direction and the
government
 create
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 which can prevent
overuse
Correct article usage
the overuse
show examples
 of
computers
, these issues could be reduced.
Submitted by jyy990608 on

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task achievement
Make sure each main point is thoroughly developed with detailed explanations or examples to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas to make your essay more fluid and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Add more in-depth analysis to support the main points and improve the logical structure of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your essay well.
complete response
You addressed the task fully, discussing both negative impacts and solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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