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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimise the bad effects?

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As technology is developed, many people
use
Use synonyms
computers
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 in diverse ways and especially
children
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 spend a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of
time
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to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
computer
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games
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss what kind of negative impacts could happen and how to reduce these bad effects. ​​First of all, playing
computer
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games
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 can cause health problems and can be an obstacle
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 studying. The more
children
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use
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computers
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, the more sitting
time
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 is increased. When kids are young, they should spend a lot of
time
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exercising and
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is because activities can create positive energy and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to mental and physical health.
However
Linking Words
, playing
computer
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games
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 keeps
children
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 from being active.
In addition
Linking Words
, the obsession
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
computers
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 makes it hard for
children
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 to concentrate on studying. To focus on study,
children
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 are required to have long-lasting concentration and patience.
Computer
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games
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 give immediate satisfaction and if
children
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 keep getting used to it, they will never learn how to be patient. Eventually, it will
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on their tasks.
Therefore
Linking Words
, playing
computer
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games
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 should be controlled by adults.
To fix
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Fixing
show examples
 these problems,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
requires many people’s help
such
Linking Words
 as parents, teachers, the
government
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,
and
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apply
show examples
etc. The
government
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 should make a law to make
children
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use
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less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
computers
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. In Korea, there is a shutdown law that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
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 users, who are under 18, cannot access
computer
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games
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 after 10
p.m
Correct your spelling
p.m.
 and it works to reduce the amount of
time
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 spent on
computers
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. Not only the
government
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 moves but
also
Linking Words
 parents’ and teachers’ efforts are required. They should keep educating
children
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that
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how to
use
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computers
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 in the right way and why they have to learn self-control. In the end, many problems of
computer
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games
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 could be fixed. In conclusion,
computer
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games
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 can cause a variety of issues,
for
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instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 health issues and blocking
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. If people teach
children
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 how to
use
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computers
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 in the right direction and the
government
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 create
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 which can prevent
overuse
Correct article usage
the overuse
show examples
 of
computers
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, these issues could be reduced.

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task achievement
To strengthen the task achievement, consider adding more specific examples and evidence to support your points, such as statistics or expert opinions.
task achievement
Make sure each main point is thoroughly developed with detailed explanations or examples to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas to make your essay more fluid and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Add more in-depth analysis to support the main points and improve the logical structure of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your essay well.
complete response
You addressed the task fully, discussing both negative impacts and solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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