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Band 6

The table shows propotion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.

The table shows propotion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.
#propotion #income #adults #children #items #uk
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The chart compares the amount of British people's income spent on 4 types of tools in 1998.
Overall
Linking Words
,
adults
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 were spent on
food
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 in the highest proportion.
Children
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 were spending their income on
music
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. The
adults
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 especially
men
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 spent on
food
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 about 14% on and
women
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 spent around 39 per
cent
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 on
food
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. In total
adults
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 were used 25% for
food
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.
Children
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boys
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were spend
Change the verb form
spent
show examples
 9% on
food
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 and
girls
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 spent 11 per
cent
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 on nutrition. Generally,
children
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 were spent 10%.
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Men's
Correct article usage
The men's
show examples
 category there 10%
expenditure
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 on electronic devices.
Women
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 used to only 1% on electronic
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
. In total,
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adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
expenditure
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 is 5 per
cent
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.
Boys
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 were spent on electronic devices about 18% and
girls
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 were used to 5% on electronic equipment.In the category of
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music
Add a comma
music,
show examples
children
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 were used to 39 per
cent
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overall
Linking Words
.
Boys
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expenditure
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were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 38% and
girls
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 were used to 40% on
music
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.
Adults
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 in general
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spent only 5%
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
music
Use synonyms
.
Men
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 were used to 5% and
women
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's
expenditure
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were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 5% respectively on
music
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.
Children
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's
overall
Linking Words
expenditure
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 was 12 per
cent
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 on
videos
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.
Boys
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 were used to 18% and
girls
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 spent 19% on
videos
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.
Adults
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' total
expenditure
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 was only 1 per
cent
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 for
videos
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.
Men
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 were used to 2% and
women
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 were spending about 0,5% on
videos
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Linking words: Add more linking words.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words adults, food, children, music, men, women, cent, boys, girls, expenditure, videos with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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