IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that government should control the amount of violation in films and on television to control crimes in society How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #government #control #amount #violation #films #television #crimes #society
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In the concurrent era,
movies
 are often representations of trends, that move throughout the world. The majority of
people
 believe that picture is a kind of entertainment so governments should control the standard of film and avoid the violated
movies
, which cause the violation in society.
However
, I agree with
this
 statement and the following paragraph will highlight my perspectives. Analyzing the statement, a TV show is not just a shoe it is all about creativity. Meanwhile, the picture that a person sees directly affects the hypothalamus and triggers the hormones because when
people
 continue to watch fighting
movies
; they have more interest in crimes, and hormones are forced to do that type of activity that has been shown in
movies
, So
that is
 why, higher authorities make a law and sensor board to visualize the content.
In addition
, they are going to spread war and crime that will negatively affect society.
For example
, recent Google survey, 75 percent of hacking and theft ideas come from
movies
. probing ahead, reality shows can reduce the crime rate in society; by spreading sci-fi films, space exploration, and comedy.
Furthermore
,
movies
 are not created
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
nights
Fix the agreement mistake
night
show examples
, many od
people
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 together to make one show for entertainment.
For instance
, A Harry Porter is an Oscar-winning series and it increases the thinking in children.
People
 go to the cinemas to refresh their minds and relax from their hectic routines.
to sum up
, no matter what kind of drama they are showing give a message that will help in the life of mankind
as well as
 telecast varieties of content that embolish the mind.
Submitted by alviusman18 on

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task achievement
Your essay offers a reasonable response to the task, but you should ensure clearer and more comprehensive ideas. Make sure every point you make directly answers the question and develops your argument fully.
task achievement
Improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas by expanding on your points and providing more detailed examples. This makes your argument more convincing and balanced, thereby improving your overall task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure of your essay, focus on making smoother transitions between ideas. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader more effectively from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Both an introduction and a conclusion are present, but they could be stronger. Your introduction should introduce the topic more clearly and your stance on it. The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position definitively.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant points and examples which contribute positively to your argument. The use of a specific survey highlights the effort to back up your claims with evidence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay exhibits a clear structure, with distinct paragraphs that each address a different aspect of the topic. This is important for coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You make good use of examples, which help to clarify your points and make the argument more relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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