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Band 5

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at he same time, the military service are in need of people. compulsory military service is beneficial and neccessary.

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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that youth are jobless and unskilled,
while
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 military
services
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 are in need of
people
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. Now
people
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 are beginning to realize that compulsory military
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services
Fix the agreement mistake
service
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 is beneficial and necessary. Personally, I
trend
Correct your spelling
tend
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 to think that mandatory military
services
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 will help some of
youth
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the youth
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 to find their own way in
this
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 life.
Firstly
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, it is well known that
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 generation is lazier. One of the main reasons behind
that is
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spread
Correct article usage
the spread
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 of home appliances. A good case in point is that previously young
people
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 were involved in household chores which consisted of many physical activities, like vacuum cleaning,
dish washing
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dishwashing
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 or doing laundry. But now all these tasks are done by home appliances and
younger
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the younger
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 generation is stuck in their gadgets without acquiring any skills. It is not only about the physical work, it is
also
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 about gaining
a new neural connections
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new neural connections
a new neural connection
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 when they try new things. And during military
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service
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services
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services,
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 they will do a lot of
works
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work
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 and gain new experience.
On the other hand
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, during compulsory military
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service
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services
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services,
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 young
people
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 will have time and concentration to think about what
for
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apply
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they want to spend their lives. Take
for example
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 now they are disturbed
with
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by
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 video games and social
network
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networks
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 which does not allow them to focus on thoughts about what they want to do in
this
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 life and what profession to choose.
Also
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, there will be elder
people
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 to guide them in
this
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 direction. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account in our final analysis we can say that compulsory military
services
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 are beneficial for youth. As it will help them to become more mature and find out what they want to do in future. As soon as they find their passion, they will study and train to gain more skills which will help them in their future employment.

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coherence cohesion
Refine the introduction to clearly outline the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. This will help in providing a clear map for the reader.
task achievement
The essay can be enhanced by providing more specific examples to support the main points. This will help to strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
general
Try to eliminate minor grammatical and phrasing issues to improve clarity. For instance, ‘trend to think’ should be ‘tend to think’. Additionally, phrases like ‘during military services’ should be ‘during military service’.
coherence cohesion
Ensure every idea is fully developed and connected to the next logically. Transitions between paragraphs can be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive discussion on the topic and addresses the task effectively by presenting a clear stance on compulsory military service.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the impact of home appliances on youth and the distractions of video games, helps in illustrating your points.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your position, helping to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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