IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 modern era, some countries are suffering from a higher
population
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. In comparison with past periods nowadays,
people
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 are living longer. Some
people
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 believe that the older
population
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 creates causes for governments.
While
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 others argue there are advantages when society has more elders. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the various disadvantages and how they outweigh the advantages with relevant examples. On the one hand, the
country
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 will face an economic decrease. To illustrate in some countries, the government spends their money on elders' hospital expenses and living expenses.
For instance
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,
According to
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 Time magazine The United States of America spend around 20% of their annual income on food, and medicines for elderly
people
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.
Additionally
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, there is a significant impact that will affect the tax and innovation sectors
due to
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 a lack of IT and technical knowledge.
Therefore
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, having an older
population
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 leads to issues for the government.
On the other hand
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, they still protect the
country
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's
culture
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. In brief, in
this
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 modern world, most youngsters do not follow the
country
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's
culture
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.
Moreover
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, many of them even do not know about it.
Hence
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, having old generation
people
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 is a benefit to protect the
culture
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.
For instance
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, youngsters can gain knowledge about traditional festivals and foods through them. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that there are advantages to having elder
people
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 in society
such
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 as maintaining the
country
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's
culture
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, the disadvantages
such
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 as the economic decrease, and reduction in taxes and innovations far outweigh the benefits.
Therefore
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, I believe having a more elderly
population
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 will impact the
country
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 in a negative way.

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task response
While your introduction sets the context well, it could be more engaging by stating a clear thesis (your position on the issue). Ensure that each paragraph clearly aligns with the essay question and your thesis.
task response
Try to develop your supporting points further. While the examples are relevant, they could be more specific and comprehensive to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each main point is clear and logically developed. While the essay flows fairly well, transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, using transitional phrases can help readers understand the progression of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Consider expanding the section on the cultural benefits of an aging population. It currently lacks depth and could be better supported with additional examples or arguments.
task response
You have a strong conclusion that reiterates your main argument effectively. This reinforces your stance and gives a sense of closure to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with separate paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. This makes it easier for readers to follow your argument.
task response
You used some relevant examples to back up your points, enhancing the quality of your arguments. Continue using specific data and examples to strengthen your essays.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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