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Band 4.5

Students may have problems with health such as eye strain and sleep issues because of the time mostly spent on laptop or computer. And maybe students become more adictted with social media if they use it at school and at home.

#students #health #eye #strain #time #laptop #computer #media #school #home
In today’s society, the growing
use
 of
computers
 in
education
 is viewed by some as a positive progress,
while
 others argue it has negative consequences.
This
 essay will explore both the advantages and potential drawbacks of
this
 trend before presenting my own viewpoint. On the one hand,the growing
use
 of
computers
 in
education
 has considerable benefits.
Initially
,
computers
provides
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
 them with quick access to a wealth of educational materials during lessons.
For example
, if you need to find information for a lesson, it might take a long
time
 to locate it in a book.
Instead
, you can easily and quickly find the information you need using a computer.
Moreover
,
students
 do not need to carry heavy bags, which is very convenient for small classes.
This
 way, their shoulders will be spared from
strain
Add an article
the strain
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Heavy backpacks are becoming less common among
students
.
For instance
, with a laptop,
students
 can replace several textbooks and notebooks with digital versions, streamlining their study materials into one portable device.
On the other hand
,
use
Correct article usage
the use
show examples
 of
computers
 can lead to physical health problems
such
 as eye
straina
Correct your spelling
strain
 and sleep issues.
For example
,
students
 may experience discomfort from staring at screens for extended periods, leading to eye fatigue and headaches.
Furthermore
,if you
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 numerous of your
time
 on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
, you become addicted
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it, and
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 probably will be terrible.
For example
, Alex, a high school student, used his computer extensively for online classes and research. Over
time
, he developed severe eye strain and headaches
due to
 prolonged screen
time
. Despite taking regular breaks, his symptoms persisted, prompting him to seek advice on how to manage his screen
use
 better.
Additionally
,they can lose their impression
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
education
 with these
computers
due to
 the fact that
students
 could not focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 at all. In conclusion,
while
 there are some drawbacks to using
computers
 in
education
,
such
 as health issues and distractions, the advantages are significant.
Computers
 enhance digital skills and provide better access to information.
Therefore
, I believe that the
use
 of
computers
 in
education
 is a positive trend
overall
.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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grammar
Avoid minor grammatical errors and typos like 'adictted' (addicted) and 'eye straina' (eye strain).
task achievement
Ensure that examples are clearly relevant and support the points made. Also, avoid leaving incomplete sentences or points, like the unfinished example about 'Alex'.
task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view. Include counterarguments to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a logical progression of ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the one before and that transitions are smooth.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, discussing advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education.
coherence cohesion
There are clear main points in each paragraph, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the writer's stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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