IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

in many countries around the world, life expectcy is increase. Discuse the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

#countries #world #life #expectcy #discuse #situation
Every day, millions of
people
 around the world have different opinions about
life
 expectancy.
However
, Does it have
disadvantage
Add an article
a disadvantage
show examples
?
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some feel it has, I strongly believe it has more advantages. There are a number of advantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
life
 expectancy. The most significant benefit is that when
people
 live longer, they can be in touch with their loved ones
such
 as families.
For instance
,
people
 work until the age of 50 at their office, and they are busy with different responsibilities, so they have limited time to spend with their family.
As a result
, having
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
life
 helps them to enjoy their time
further
. Another positive point is that
life
 expectancy provides a good opportunity for
people
 to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productive person in society.
For example
, Maryam Mirzakhani, one of the famous women, who
find
Wrong verb form
found
show examples
 different solutions for Multi questions in Math died when she was 40.
However
, if she had lived longer, she found many solutions which had a positive effect on Math society.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 disadvantages
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
extence
Correct your spelling
extent
 of
life
.
Firstly
, having a long
life
 can strain
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system. It means that by living for a long time, some facilities need to allocate some budget like hiring nurses,
workers
Correct word choice
and workers
show examples
.
Secondly
, the most
point
Correct word choice
important point
show examples
 why I think is that it has negative effects on
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
. More resources
such
 as water resources are used to supply
people
’s
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
.
As a result
, in the future, they will face serious problems like water shortage.
Submitted by yektashahryari on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but try to formulate your opinion with a bit more clarity and explicitly state your stance on the debate.
task achievement
Though your ideas are relevant, some are not fully developed. Try to expand your points with more specific examples and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you make smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Your paragraphs are somewhat connected but could benefit from more cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion should summarize the main points more clearly and reinforce your overall opinion. This will make your essay more coherent.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good for readability.
task achievement
The points you have raised are relevant and reflect a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have provided some specific examples which strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: