IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

IELTS Some people say that a person's success is as a result of the way he has been brought up by his parents. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people that a person's
success
Use synonyms
 depends on how he has been raised by his
parents
Use synonyms
. I
am totally agree
Change the verb form
totally agree
show examples
 with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint and will elaborate
it
Change preposition
on it
show examples
 in the upcoming paragraphs.
Parents
Use synonyms
 play an important role in instilling the values in their
children
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 are typically the first role models for
children
Use synonyms
, and they are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who put the values of hard work, responsibility and preservance from a young age. These values often translate into professional and personal
success
Use synonyms
 later in
life
Use synonyms
. To exemplify
this
Linking Words
, if
parents
Use synonyms
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 about
hardworking
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
 and
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
 skills from
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 young age
after
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they will do
Add an article
a
show examples
proper study and later become professionals. Without
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 knowledge
children
Use synonyms
 often indulge in bad activities and later do not become successful persons in their
life
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the only
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who provide economic and financial support to their
children
Use synonyms
. They provide them with financial stability and prioritize education from childhood age which
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them not only to have better access to educational opportunities but
also
Linking Words
 study in well-developed colleges and have expensive tools to study.
For example
Linking Words
, there are some
parents
Use synonyms
 who are not financially rich
often
Correct word choice
and often
show examples
 put their
children
Use synonyms
 in government schools where teachers do not teach them properly
often
Correct word choice
and often
show examples
 find it difficult to become successful in their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. So, financial stability from
parents
Use synonyms
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a significant impact on
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
success
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 play an important role in their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and are the only
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
brought
Wrong verb form
bring
show examples
 up their
children
Use synonyms
 and
results
Correct subject-verb agreement
result
show examples
 in their
success
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph sticks to a single main idea and that this idea relates clearly to the question. Currently, the essay sometimes has slightly overlapping points.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing in some sentences. For example, "I am totally agree" should be "I totally agree". Proofreading for grammar and syntax would improve clarity.
task achievement
Try to add a bit more discussion on counterpoints or different perspectives to provide a balanced view, even if ultimately disagreeing.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could reference specific studies or real-world examples to further illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, setting up the essay well for further development.
task achievement
Each paragraph has a clear central idea, contributing to the overall argument effectively.
task achievement
You have correctly identified key aspects of parents' influence, such as instilling values and providing financial support, and expanded on them well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • upbringing
  • nurturing environment
  • financial stability
  • educational opportunities
  • emotional support
  • self-esteem
  • resilience
  • personal determination
  • external factors
  • peer influence
What to do next:
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