IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think the solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
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There could be said to be an increasing number of individuals who are becoming obese. Recent policy decisions have proposed that a
price
 hike on fattening
foods
 be implemented in order to dissuade
people
 from consuming them and thereby curbing the obesity epidemic. I personally think that
while
this
 measure might help, it would not be nearly as effective as other measures
such
 as portion control. Whilst there is no doubt in my mind that making fattening sugary
foods
 more expensive would certainly curb the rise in obesity, it is still uncertain that it would necessarily be as effective as we might expect
due to
 the
price
 inelasticity of fast
food
 products. Some might state the law of supply and demand as a reason why we might expect sugary
food
 consumption to decrease when prices rise, but
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 economics might propose that
people
 would be more than eager to hand over more money for the fattening
foods
 that they enjoy.
This
 is why other addictive substances
such
 as cigarettes,
for example
, have
also
 been shown to be somewhat immune to
price
 increases.
Furthermore
, a larger issue may actually be portion control, as having larger portions in each meal could actually encourage
people
 to eat more. Particularly in fast
food
 chains,
food
 portions are exorbitantly large leading to each meal being calorically higher than normal meals. If portions are decreased for every meal, even if the
price
 is lowered, it could lead to
people
 consuming
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 calories per meal and
thus
 becoming less obese. Studies have shown that by making bowls smaller,
for example
, individuals
also
 consume less
food
. If governments apply
this
 method to
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
 restaurants, it could potentially decrease obesity rates more effectively than
price
 hikes could.
Overall
, I argue that whilst increasing the
price
 of fattening
foods
 might help to a degree, I argue that other options
such
 as portion control might be more effective.
Submitted by okookk123456 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a well-rounded response to the task. You've done a good job of addressing the question directly and providing a clear stance on the issue. However, you could enhance your task achievement by providing more data, statistics, or additional evidence to reinforce your argument. You could also explore counterpoints in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay’s structure is logical and coherent. However, you can further improve cohesion by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. For instance, 'Furthermore' and 'Overall' are very good, but consider adding phrases like 'In contrast,' 'Additionally,' and 'Moreover' for better flow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant to the topic.
supported main points
You provide supported main points that are relevant to your argument, such as discussing both the price inelasticity of fast foods and the issue of portion control.
complete response
You've provided a complete response to the task and addressed multiple aspects of the issue, which is excellent.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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