IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people believe that advertising is so common , that we no longer pay attention to it.

#people #attention
Although
 certain individuals believe that publicity has become a common tool for buying products which makes it less attractive for us , I believe that marketing is the most effective way to purchase goods
due to
 the advancement in technology. On the one hand, the mimic style that
companies
 adopt in their advertising makes the consumers more conservative to buy goods. Nowadays, the majority of
companies
 embrace
this
 policy of reputation. When a company puts effort and funds
to create
Change preposition
into creating
show examples
 its own publicity, we can see that the competing
companies
 copy its style, so
as a consequence
, there are a large number of publicities that present the same product with the same advantages.
This
 abundance
in
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of
show examples
 copied products and advertisements makes the
companies
 worthless in consumer's eyes, so as
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, less concerned
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their advertisements.
For instance
, recently, Huawei, the same as Oppo, the company created an
advertising
Replace the word
advertisement
show examples
 for their
last
 edition phones that
promise
Wrong verb form
promised
show examples
 the consumer for most effective camera ,
as a consequence
 both
companies
 faced the worst baying session.
On the other hand
, I do believe that technological advancement
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertising the most successful method a firm could adopt
for
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to
show examples
 buy goods. the intelligent artificial now with its algorithm can predict
people
's emotions and
also
 know what
people
 need to see and hear in order to buy things.
Moreover
,
this
 algorithm can easily create a new need for
people
. So, with
this
 capacity,
companies
 now can easily fabricate
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
advertising
satisfied
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to consumers' needs.
As
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For
show examples
 example, there is an AI technology called APM Western.
This
 AI has the power
of knowing
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to know
show examples
people
's emotions and feelings with a small conversation. So,
convince
Wrong verb form
convincing
show examples
 the population is possible now. In conclusion,
while
 some
people
 mostly believe that advertising is a common method
Correct pronoun usage
that make
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 us less concerned about
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for
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apply
show examples
buying things, I fully agree that it is
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best tool to boost product sales by using AI technology.
Submitted by habal.oumaima on

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task achievement
In your essay, try to provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. This can help strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Be mindful of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Proofreading your essay can help catch these errors. For example, ‘publicity’ should be replaced with ‘advertising’ in certain contexts, and ‘the most successful method a firm could adopt for buy goods’ should be revised to ‘the most successful method a firm could adopt to sell goods’.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from clearer transition phrases between paragraphs. This will enhance the flow and make your argumentation easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea which is well-supported with relevant details and examples. This will make your arguments stronger and more cohesive.
task achievement
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that frames your argument well.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, making it easy to understand your stance on the topic.
task achievement
Your use of technology as an example of effective advertising through AI is relevant and contemporary, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, and your argument is presented in an organized manner.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs flow well from one to the next, and each has a main point which is coherently discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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