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Band 7

Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #education #system #factor #development #country
It is often believed that
education
 is the most significant for the development of a nation. I partially disagree with
this
, for social
interactions
 promote peace and harmony regardless of the fact that
education
 ensures fundamental skills and knowledge that are essential to boost the national economy. On the one hand,
education
 is critical for the progress of a country since it provides people with the necessary intelligence and techniques.
In other words
, their sophistication increases as they learn various subjects at school including mathematics, language and history.
Furthermore
, students gain a better understanding of the society they live in from different perspectives, which encourages them to be responsible
as well as
 independent workers.
As a result
, the general improvement of knowledge and skills promotes national prosperity as they create new items and services, stimulating the economy.
On the other hand
, social
interactions
 play a significant role in developing a sense of peacefulness for the improvement of a nation. Indeed, the
interactions
 of people are fundamental in every aspect of their lives, which promotes a better understanding of each other.
For example
, a traditional festival called "Bonodori"in Japan makes an incredible contribution to the establishment of an intimate relationship within local communities as they are more encouraged to have fun through a unique dance.
Consequently
, their interest in other people rises, promoting cooperation and respect in the country. In conclusion, I somewhat disagree that
education
 is the only essential factor for the development of a country as social
interactions
 are fundamental for the establishment of a trustful relationship.
However
,
education
 plays an important role in raising a level of knowledge and skills which leads to the prosperity of the national economy.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively and provides a balanced argument. However, to achieve a higher score, you could include more specific examples and evidence to support your points further.
task achievement
Ensure each main idea is thoroughly developed with detailed explanations. Adding more depth to each point will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, you could improve coherence by using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
You have provided a clear and relevant response to the task with well-organized arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument.
language use
Your writing demonstrates a good command of language, with varied vocabulary and sentence structures.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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