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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people prefer to shop in traditional stores. Other people prefer to do their shopping online. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #shop #stores
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Now in
this
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 current
economy
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economy,
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 a lot of individuals would rather go shopping online
instead
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 of physically going to stores. That could be because
its
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it's
it is
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 much more efficient and requires less energy
spension
Correct your spelling
pension
suspension
.
While
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, others like checking all sorts of gadgets and items themselves. In my opinion, I think online shopping is better in so many aspects. Starting off with
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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 shopping, it is relatively easier than going to stores manually and walking from
an
Correct determiner usage
one
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 aisle to another, looking for the items that you want can be
with
Add a missing verb
done with
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 just three clicks and the options are diverse and clearer.
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Although
Correct word choice
However
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, sometimes it's difficult to tell what is the material made of or the site's authenticity. Reviews can easily be faked which can be a factor
to
Change preposition
in
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 why people tend to avoid online shopping.
However
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, traditional shopping can be
excrutiating
Correct your spelling
excruciating
 and
time consuming
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time-consuming
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 when you don't know exactly what you're looking for.
Its
Replace the word
It's
It is
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 an unnecessary process, despite all these negativities I still think that shopping in stores has its advantages,
such
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 as trying on the clothing and the ease that comes with a guaranteed item from the purchase.
To conclude
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this
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 discussion, I stand by shopping on sites because the risks can be sturred away from without working up a sweat. As long as you know what you are searching for and where the search is. The chances of
unsatisfaction
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dissatisfaction
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 will be reduced. Meanwhile, strolling aimlessly in malls will probably end in exhaustion and no accomplishments.
Submitted by leen.almanaie on

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task response
Your essay addresses both views and provides your opinion, which is great for achieving the task. However, you could improve by incorporating more specific examples to illustrate your points.
task response
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases (e.g., "requires less energy spension"). It's advisable to proofread your work for such errors to improve clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
You have used paragraphing effectively, which helps in maintaining coherence. Consider using more transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Furthermore" to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good structure to your essay. You could further improve by making the introduction slightly more engaging.
task response
You can develop your main points more thoroughly by adding examples or data to strengthen your argument.
task response
The essay effectively discusses both views on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, providing a clear structure to the essay.
coherence cohesion
There's a logical progression of ideas, which helps in understanding your stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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