IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

* :: In some countries, there is an ever-increasing proportion of population among children who are 15 and younger. What are the effects of this in those countries?

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It is a fact that some countries have a population explosion among youngsters aged 15 and under. The boom in new births and teenagers has cons and pros effects in communities. In
this
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 essay, I will write about creating new career opportunities and establishing a strong future
country
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 as a positive side
while
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 the lack of
food
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 resources refers to a negative aspect of having
children
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 explosion. On the one hand, there are significant benefits of increasing the
children
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 number. First of all, it will
enhancecareer
Correct your spelling
enhance career
 opportunities. To elaborate more, the government's efforts will develop the foundations of the education system to fit all students and build new school buildings for the upcoming generation.
Thus
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, it going to be a great chance to find new jobs for citizens
such
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 as being a teacher.
Furthermore
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, having more
children
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 who are 15 and younger means a crucial positive point to establishing a strong future
country
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. To explain, the next generation has an open mind for multifaceted subjects , like engineering work, painting, cooking, and teaching. So, these mixing potentials will increase diverse sides in the nation,
for example
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, the economy, the education system
as well as
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 tourism.
For example
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, ten years ago, China had over boom in a child's number, but now it is considered the most powerful
country
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 in the world in industry and economic rate of money
due to
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 the rising explosion among youngsters.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, there are a few negative effects on the rising child population.
Firstly
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, the lack of
food
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 resources is one main dark side. Because the number of
children
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 grows sharply, the resources of
food
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 will decrease
due to
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 a lot of demands in it.
To conclude
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, overpopulation could have negative and positive effects
such
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 as ameliorating the financial incomes of the
country
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 and establishing new jobs for the people,
whereas
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 the disadvantage is a few
food
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resource
Change to a plural noun
resources
show examples
.

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task achievement
Ensure that each argument is fully developed and well supported with relevant examples. The paragraph about the lack of food resources needs more details and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Work on clearly transitioning between ideas. Some transitions felt abrupt, which can interrupt the flow of the essay. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader smoothly from one point to another.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in presenting ideas in an organized manner.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively and discusses both positive and negative effects of an increasing young population.
task achievement
The essay includes specific examples like the mention of China's population boom, which helps in illustrating the points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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