IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often believed that
children
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 having
summer
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 jobs should be blamed for the risk of child labour but some people are optimistic about
this
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 as they can be valuable opportunities for them to acquire various skills and knowledge. I partially support the latter since
summer
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 jobs can offer a stimulating
experience
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 regardless of the fact that
children
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 are often employed to fill the shortage
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the workforce. On the one hand,
children
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 working during a
summer
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 vacation gain benefits as they are encouraged to acquire different techniques and intelligence, which are helpful in real life.
In other words
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, those who have the
experience
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 of working are able to expand their understanding, which is not usually taught at school.
For instance
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,
children
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 working in an agricultural field are able to understand the use of special equipment
as well as
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 a certain procedure of seeding
in addition
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 to the general knowledge of farming.
Thus
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, the actual
experience
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 of working allows them to obtain precious skills and knowledge that may be passed down for generations, increasing their curiosity and motivation for learning.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 having a job during a vacation are often criticized since they are often employed
due to
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 the shortage of workforce. Indeed, they often face an overwhelming physical workload as people need more workers to increase their profits.
For example
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, they usually work under poor conditions including intense heat during
summer
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 and insufficient rest as adults put more priority on their own benefits.
Thus
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, the
experience
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 of working does not always have a positive effect on them as they are often regarded as a convenient workforce who are employed temporarily without their health and happiness being secured. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that
summer
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 jobs are beneficial to
children
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 as they are able to access valuable information which is restrictive to a certain workplace, which boosts their eagerness to brush up their skills and intelligence.
However
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, they are often employed only to provide services employers want, which disappoints
children
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.

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task achievement
While the essay presents a complete response to the task and discusses both views, try to further clarify your stance in the introduction. A strong thesis statement will set the tone for the essay.
task achievement
Work on providing clearer and more comprehensive explanations for your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and detailed.
task achievement
Try to include a wider range of specific examples or evidence to support your ideas. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical flow of your essay. Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, aim for more impactful and engaging opening and closing statements. This will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all main points are sufficiently developed and supported with evidence. This will make your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument clearly, which shows a balanced approach to the task.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion do a good job of summarizing the essay's main points.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and its complexities.
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