IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe arts such as painting and music cannot directly improve the quality of people's lives so that government money should be spent on other things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 era, numerous
people
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 have opinions about
arts
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 like painting and
music
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Correct pronoun usage
that
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don't have any benefit for
people
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's lives.
Moreover
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, they think that the government should spend money to support others in sports or science. I totally disagree with
this
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 statement.
To begin
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 with, the oldest
people
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 always stereotype that art doesn't use many abilities and they can't make much money at their age.
However
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, the world is always changing nowadays
arts
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 are gaining attention from a
lot
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 of
people
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 in society. Many
people
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 think that art is therapy
People
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 with ADAH doctors give advice to paint because it can help them to focus on their picture for a long time
as well as
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music
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 can help
people
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 focus on something that they do for a long time like most of the
people
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 opened piano or classic
music
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 when their do their work.
Although
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, it is not easy to create one artwork artists should spend a long time practising for success in the way that they love.
Furthermore
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, a wealth of outstanding artworks from the past and present like Reonado Davichy Italian artists have many artworks that are an inspiration for new artists.
Additionally
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,
arts
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 are all around our lives even towers, houses, schools or any building are started by
arts
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 from alchetector.
In addition
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Add a comma
,
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some countries that have promoted artworks whether is it movies, animations,
music
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, or paintings always have a national income growth trend from tourists
for instance
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,
Korea
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 numerous
tousris
Correct your spelling
tourists
tourist
tourism
 come to
Korea
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 because they want to follow the place of series and some of them come to see
artist
Add an article
the artist
an artist
show examples
 in
Korea
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 so
Korea
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get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 a rewarding form support
arts
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 industry.
Also
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, Japan's famous animation is from
this
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 country
for example
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, Howl and the Moving Castle, Ponyo, Doraemon and Konan worldwide children every country knows so just selling the copyright can make a
lot
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 of money and when a
lot
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 of tourists come to Japan to follow the animation as well.
To sum up
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, artwork is not easy to do and every artwork has its own value. So if governments focus, promote and support it have a
lot
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 of benefits for countries equal to science and sports
also
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.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position and provides relevant points, but they could be more comprehensively developed. Ensure you elaborate on each argument and consider counterarguments for a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Try to make smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve cohesion. Using linking words and phrases can help with this.
general
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Proofread your essay to correct these issues and make your expressions clearer.
general
Avoid repetition of phrases and ideas; instead, try to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to maintain the reader's interest.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, making it easy for the reader to understand your viewpoint from the beginning.
task achievement
You have included examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have made a clear attempt to structure your essay with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
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