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Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a view that schools should cancel non-academic programs of studies,
such
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 as cookery and physical education, to be more focused on academic work.
While
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 some say that concentrating on strict
subjects
Use synonyms
 has benefits for their future career, I believe that without entertaining work there wouldn’t develop personal creativity. On the one hand, putting away non-academic work has some advantages,
such
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 as saving energy for focusing on academic tasks.
For example
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,most of the
students
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of
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at
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 Harvard University are from Chinese county, where the main
subjects
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 are academics.
Thus
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, by decreasing attention to free
subjects
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 they can achieve more percentage of success in entering university.
On the other hand
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, if these
subjects
Use synonyms
 are removed from schools, it can lead to a lack of creativity among
students
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.
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This kind
Fix the agreement mistake
These kinds
show examples
 of
subjects
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such
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 as physical activities, art, mental education or cookery are necessary for self-expression, and stress relief and they help
students
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 explore different features of their personalities.
For example
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, by making something they forget about thoughts in their mind, and they can relieve their stress.
Therefore
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 lessons that require a physical approach have benefits in individuals' lives. In conclusion, removing non-academic
subjects
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 from the school curriculum will help
students
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 to save their energy during their studying period,
however
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, if it happens actually it has
such
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 kind of drawbacks as a deficiency in creativity. My personal opinion is that it is better to have all of these non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 in the school syllabus, as they will help
students
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 boost their activity skills.

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task achievement
Consider clearly stating your position in the introduction to make it more evident whether you completely agree, disagree, or have a nuanced opinion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure varied sentence structures and cohesive devices to improve the flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Provide clearer examples that link back to your main points more directly, rather than general statements. For instance, elaborating on how creativity impacts future careers could strengthen your argument.
content
Your essay presents a balanced view on the topic, acknowledging both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay allows for a clear separation of ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow your logic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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