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Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days,
students
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 are facing difficulties managing all
subjects
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 simultaneously with academic work.
While
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 removing non-academic
subjects
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 will bring benefits
such
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 as better concentration on academic
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, it will
also
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 depend on their
creativity
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.   On one hand, removing non-academic
subjects
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 from the school syllabus will make the study life of pupils far easier. If there are only academic
subjects
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, there will be more possibilities for them to focus on their studies, which will lead to success.
For example
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, in some parts of China, the school curriculum of
students
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 is rid of non-academic
subjects
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.
Hence
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 the educational achievements of
students
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 rated in the top ten of the world.
Thus
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, setting them free from these kinds of
subjects
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 will benefit their educational status.  
On the other hand
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, it may cause less
creativity
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 among pupils. These kinds of
subjects
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 are part of a well-rounded education. Non-academic
subjects
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 like art, music, physical education, and vocational courses foster
creativity
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, physical health, and practical skills. They offer
students
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 opportunities for self-expression, stress relief, and exploration of different interests, which can be just as crucial as academic
subjects
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 for personal growth and development.
For instance
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, music learning how to
olay
Correct your spelling
play
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 an instrument
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
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 stress
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
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 memory and
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
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creativity
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.
Therefore
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,
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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in
school
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the school
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 curriculum, these kinds of
subjects
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also
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 play an important role. In conclusion,
although
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 removing non-academic
subjects
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 from the schedule of
students
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 will increase their concentration on academic work, pupils could be heavily attached only to those
subjects
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 and lose opportunities for self-expression and exploration.

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Task Achievement
Try to offer more specific examples to support your arguments; it enhances the clarity and impact of your points.
Task Achievement
Maintain a balance between academic and non-academic subjects in your arguments to present a more nuanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking phrases to improve flow between ideas and paragraphs; this will strengthen coherence throughout your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to varying sentence structures to improve readability and engage your reader more effectively.
Task Achievement
Successfully addressed both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion which effectively framed your discussion.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to illustrate arguments, enhancing the essay's persuasive power.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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