Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
In contemporary times, is true that some
children
spend hours every day on their smartphones
. I think there are several reason
forChange to a plural noun
reasons
in
Change preposition
apply
this
case and its effect depends on how children
spend time on their smartphones
. This
essay I will try to explain both sides.
Change preposition
In this
Firstly
, technology has been changing every day. Thus
, Gen Z children
utilize smartphone
more than past gens. It Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
make
benefits Verb problem
apply
for
their Change preposition
apply
parents
because their work hours has
been increased and they generally Change the verb form
have
has
not been socialized with them. It is so easy for working Change the verb form
have
parents
that 10 hours per day, give their children
smartphones
and create leisure time for theirselves
. Correct your spelling
themselves
However
, we cannot blame just parents
. Secondly
, smartphones
stimulate so much
brain cells and it Correct quantifier usage
many
make
Change the verb form
makes
children
addictive
. Replace the word
addicted
Children
only enjoy if they play with their smartphones
and some parents
cannot prevent this
situation because of children
's agressive
behaviours.
I think using Correct your spelling
aggressive
smartphones
might sometimes really good affect
Replace the word
effect
for
Change preposition
on
children
. There are so many educational and teaching app
on online Fix the agreement mistake
apps
store
and they might use their Fix the agreement mistake
stores
smartphones
for academic improvement. For instance
, so many people learn new langue
on some language apps. Correct your spelling
language
In addition
, they might do their homeworks
and some research on their Correct your spelling
homework
smartphones
. For example
, there are some online forums that
they ask each other complicated questions. Correct word choice
where
However
, children
generally tend to be play
online games and make online Change the verb form
play
friendship
Fix the agreement mistake
friendships
in
their Change preposition
on
smartphones
which I believe really dangerous. Playing online games might make children
addictive
and run their teenage years because of damage Replace the word
addicted
their
social Change preposition
to their
skillss
and might Correct your spelling
skills
be
become shy Unnecessary verb
apply
person
.
Fix the agreement mistake
people
To sum up
, I believe that technological development is so important and it brings some issues with themselves like children
's using smartphones
. I think,
Remove the comma
apply
parents
make same
Change the article
the same
restriction
about using Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
smartphones
to make it possitive
effects, Correct your spelling
positive
otherwise
it might be a negative development for Add a comma
otherwise,
children
.Submitted by berivan_yilmazz on
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Grammar
Ensure clear subject-verb agreement in your sentences. For example, instead of "there are several reason," it should be "there are several reasons."
Coherence and Cohesion
Use transitions more effectively to connect your ideas smoothly. For instance, words like "moreover," "furthermore," or "in addition" can help you to better structure your argument.
Task Achievement
Offer more concrete examples to back up your points. This will help make your argument more persuasive and concrete.
Task Achievement
Make sure you answer all parts of the question clearly. You did address why children spend time on smartphones and the positive/negative aspects, but some points could be further elaborated and clarified.
Task Achievement
You have clearly attempted to discuss both the causes and effects of children spending time on smartphones, which shows a good understanding of the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately set the stage and wrap up the argument.
Task Achievement
You made a valid point about the benefits of educational apps, showcasing a balanced view.
Grammar
You have tried to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which is commendable.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example