Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In contemporary times, is true that some
children
spend hours every day on their
smartphones
. I think there are several
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
for
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
case and its effect depends on how
children
spend time on their
smartphones
.
This
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In this
show examples
essay I will try to explain both sides.
Firstly
, technology has been changing every day.
Thus
, Gen Z
children
utilize
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
more than past gens. It
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits
for
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apply
show examples
their
parents
because their work hours
has
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have
show examples
been increased and they generally
has
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have
show examples
not been socialized with them. It is so easy for working
parents
that 10 hours per day, give their
children
smartphones
and create leisure time for
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
.
However
, we cannot blame just
parents
.
Secondly
,
smartphones
stimulate so
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
brain cells and it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
children
addictive
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addicted
show examples
.
Children
only enjoy if they play with their
smartphones
and some
parents
cannot prevent
this
situation because of
children
's
agressive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
behaviours. I think using
smartphones
might sometimes really good
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
for
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on
show examples
children
. There are so many educational and teaching
app
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apps
show examples
on online
store
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stores
show examples
and they might use their
smartphones
for academic improvement.
For instance
, so many people learn new
langue
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language
show examples
on some language apps.
In addition
, they might do their
homeworks
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homework
and some research on their
smartphones
.
For example
, there are some online forums
that
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where
show examples
they ask each other complicated questions.
However
,
children
generally tend to
be play
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play
show examples
online games and make online
friendship
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friendships
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
smartphones
which I believe really dangerous. Playing online games might make
children
addictive
Replace the word
addicted
show examples
and run their teenage years because of damage
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
social
skillss
Correct your spelling
skills
and might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
become shy
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
To sum up
, I believe that technological development is so important and it brings some issues with themselves like
children
's using
smartphones
. I think
,
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apply
show examples
parents
make
same
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the same
show examples
restriction
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restrictions
show examples
about using
smartphones
to make it
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
effects,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
it might be a negative development for
children
.
Submitted by berivan_yilmazz on

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Grammar
Ensure clear subject-verb agreement in your sentences. For example, instead of "there are several reason," it should be "there are several reasons."
Coherence and Cohesion
Use transitions more effectively to connect your ideas smoothly. For instance, words like "moreover," "furthermore," or "in addition" can help you to better structure your argument.
Task Achievement
Offer more concrete examples to back up your points. This will help make your argument more persuasive and concrete.
Task Achievement
Make sure you answer all parts of the question clearly. You did address why children spend time on smartphones and the positive/negative aspects, but some points could be further elaborated and clarified.
Task Achievement
You have clearly attempted to discuss both the causes and effects of children spending time on smartphones, which shows a good understanding of the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately set the stage and wrap up the argument.
Task Achievement
You made a valid point about the benefits of educational apps, showcasing a balanced view.
Grammar
You have tried to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which is commendable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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