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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that participating in competitive sports can be beneficial for children, while others think it may have negative effects. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children participating in competitive sports?

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Although
Linking Words
 competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 are thought by some to be a useful experience for
children
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, other people consider that it can be detrimental.
Children
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 can learn to value
competition
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 and gain self-confidence from taking part in
sports
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 but there are
also
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 drawbacks to be taken into account.
Firstly
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, one benefit of
children
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 taking part in competitive
sports
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 is that they understand the value of
competition
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. When
children
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 see a direct connection between hard work and success, they realize
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of the sport.
Secondly
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, participating in a
game
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 is advantageous because
children
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 can learn various skills like time management. Many
sports
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,
for instance
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, cricket and tennis, require them to make a whole day schedule for their practice.
Thirdly
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,
children
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 can improve their confidence level
while
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 playing against other teams. After winning a
game
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, they believe that they can achieve anything if they work hard to win a
competition
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.
On the other hand
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, one problem when
children
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 face a
competition
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 in
sports
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 is that they
affect
Wrong verb form
are affected
show examples
 by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental health.
For example
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,
children
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 have more emphasis on winning a
game
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 at any cost, they do not have an idea of failure.
As a result
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, they experience stress and depression if they do not win the
game
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. Another possible issue is that the time
children
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 spend
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing a sport prevents them from focusing on their schoolwork. Having a good education is the key to
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
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 future so a child who participates in
sports
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
children
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 can benefit from being a part of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
competitive
sports
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, it can
also
Linking Words
 lead to the problem of mental health or low grades at school.

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the task, providing both advantages and disadvantages of children participating in competitive sports. However, to improve your score, ensure that each idea is developed more comprehensively. For example, expand on how time management skills are developed through sports.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally clear and organized, but there are some issues with logical flow. Some sentences could be better connected, and the transition between ideas should be smoother. Using more linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph flows logically from one to the next will improve coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Though your introduction and conclusion are generally effective, you could enhance them by making them more engaging and ensuring they comprehensively cover all points discussed in the essay. Make sure your conclusion doesn't just repeat the introduction but also summarizes the key points discussed.
task achievement
You have effectively introduced the topic and set the context for discussing both advantages and disadvantages of children participating in competitive sports. This contributes positively to the task response.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are generally well-structured, with clear main ideas that are supported by examples. The structure of your essay shows a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which aids in coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay covers relevant examples and includes various aspects of the topic, which contributes to a clear and comprehensible response. This helps in achieving a good task response.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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