IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Most have forgotten the meanig behind traditional or religious festivals. During festival periods people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#meanig #festivals #periods #people
The main
aim
 of people who attempt
festivals
 has been changed from cultural and
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 meaning to enjoyment.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the idea of
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
as well as
 satisfaction in
festivals
 become more
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
widespread, there are still several holidays which show
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of
religious
Replace the word
religion
show examples
.
Festivals
 all around the world
changes
Change the verb form
change
show examples
 their
aim
 from
traditionall
Correct your spelling
traditional
 to private, since our society become more developed by changing both
Correct article usage
the lifestile
show examples
lifestile
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 purpose of their life. To be more precise,
valuableness
Correct article usage
the valuableness
show examples
 of cultural exchanges in
festivals
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 replaced by emotions of fun and satisfaction.
For instance
, when a decade ago individuals from all around the world
visit
Wrong verb form
visited
show examples
 a festival of dances in Brazil, showing
culturall asspects
Correct your spelling
cultural aspects
 of Brazil
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
priority
Add an article
a priority
the priority
show examples
,
while
 taking
satisfacion
Correct your spelling
satisfaction
 and
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of endorfin (
harmon
Correct your spelling
harmony
 of
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
) are the main idea now.
Therefore
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the mindset
humanity
Change preposition
of humanity
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to changing the purpose of
festivals
.
While
festivals
 lost their importance, holidays related to
religious
Replace the word
religion
show examples
 remained steady.
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
topis
Correct your spelling
topics
show examples
 are
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
essential for everyone
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since individuals live with a
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
As a result
, they tend to celebrate all occasions related
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
religion
 and show its importance.
For example
, when there is a
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 holiday with the Pope in
Vatican
Correct article usage
the Vatican
show examples
, individuals with
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
religion
 visit
this
 place with a
spirtual
Correct your spelling
spiritual
aim
, not private.
Therefore
,
religion
Replace the word
religious
show examples
 holidays do not have
aim
Add an article
the aim
an aim
show examples
 of enjoyment themselves. By taking both sides into account I believe that
wherease
Correct your spelling
whereas
festivals
 changed their priorities,
religiuous
Correct your spelling
religions
 still have the same. If we
payed
Correct your spelling
paid
show examples
 enough attention to
festivals
, we would not have
this
 issue
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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supported main points
Ensure that your main points are fully developed and supported with relevant examples. The examples provided, such as the dance festival in Brazil and religious holidays in Vatican, could be expanded to illustrate the impact more clearly.
logical structure
Work on sentence structure and grammatical accuracy. For instance, 'lifestile' should be 'lifestyle,' and 'culturall' should be 'cultural.' Ensuring accuracy in language will improve readability and coherence.
logical structure
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that conveys the main point. This will enhance the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and concise your ideas. Sometimes the arguments are not completely clear due to language use. Simplifying sentences and using precise vocabulary can help communicate your points more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The essay contains an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to frame the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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