IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #lives #celebrities #media
Individuals say that the personal
lives
 of well-known
people
 should not be shared with the public through social media. In my point of view, I partly agree with that belief. On the one hand, exposing idols'
lives
 may cause several disadvantages.
First,
there are tons of paparazzi who are ready to approach famous
people
 which leads to discomfort in their
lives
.
Second,
if private information is publicised, gossip might be increased in the community.
As a result
, celebrities' mental health will be affected negatively.
Moreover
, their family and relationships may face many evils and crimes.
Additionally
, information about popular
people
's
lives
 will create a toxic environment for their audiences because the masses only care about private things in lieu of artists' entertaining artworks.
On the other hand
, sharing the private
lives
 of celebrities may bring some benefits to famous
people
 and their fandom.
Firstly
, it is quite attention-grabbing because on-stage time is not enough for the fans, they want to know more about their idols.
Therefore
, if celebrities expose their personal
lives
, they will get more fans who want to discover more about the famous person.
Secondly
, well-known
people
's private
lives
 will inspire others by sharing their humble beginnings, healthy diets, and rigorous training schedules. It can be seen in the reality that, many young excellent soccer players
such
 as Mbappe and Vinicius have reached success by learning from a legendary player named Cristiano Ronaldo. In conclusion,there is a view that the private
lives
 of well-known individuals should not be openly
publicing
Verb problem
publiced
show examples
 by the mass media. In my point of view, it may lead to some negative effects and several advantages.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay generally addresses the prompt and provides relevant points on both sides of the argument. To further improve task response, aim to provide more detailed explanations of the points made.
coherence cohesion
The ideas in the essay are logically ordered, but some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. To enhance coherence and cohesion, use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the points you will discuss, and your conclusion should summarize these points more effectively. This will make your essay’s structure more solid.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which is essential for a higher task achievement score.
task achievement
You included real-life examples (e.g., Cristiano Ronaldo, Mbappe) to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs devoted to different points, making it easier to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Media scrutiny
  • Public persona
  • Personal autonomy
  • Sensationalism
  • Paparazzi
  • Tabloid journalism
  • Right to privacy
  • Mental well-being
  • Public interest
  • Ethical journalism
  • Celebrity culture
  • Gossip columns
What to do next:
Look at other essays: