Some people believe that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Individuals say that the personal

lives

of well-known

people

should not be shared with the public through social media. In my point of view, I partly agree with that belief. On the one hand, exposing idols'

lives

may cause several disadvantages.

First,

there are tons of paparazzi who are ready to approach famous

people

which leads to discomfort in their

lives

Second,

if private information is publicised, gossip might be increased in the community.

As a result

, celebrities' mental health will be affected negatively.

Moreover

, their family and relationships may face many evils and crimes.

Additionally

, information about popular

people

lives

will create a toxic environment for their audiences because the masses only care about private things in lieu of artists' entertaining artworks.

On the other hand

, sharing the private

lives

of celebrities may bring some benefits to famous

people

and their fandom.

Firstly

, it is quite attention-grabbing because on-stage time is not enough for the fans, they want to know more about their idols.

Therefore

, if celebrities expose their personal

lives

, they will get more fans who want to discover more about the famous person.

Secondly

, well-known

people

's private

lives

will inspire others by sharing their humble beginnings, healthy diets, and rigorous training schedules. It can be seen in the reality that, many young excellent soccer players

such

as Mbappe and Vinicius have reached success by learning from a legendary player named Cristiano Ronaldo. In conclusion,there is a view that the private

lives

of well-known individuals should not be openly

publicing

Verb problem

publiced

show examples

by the mass media. In my point of view, it may lead to some negative effects and several advantages.

Submitted by midden-02.tore on Tue Sep 03 2024

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task achievement

The essay generally addresses the prompt and provides relevant points on both sides of the argument. To further improve task response, aim to provide more detailed explanations of the points made.

coherence cohesion

The ideas in the essay are logically ordered, but some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. To enhance coherence and cohesion, use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.

coherence cohesion

Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the points you will discuss, and your conclusion should summarize these points more effectively. This will make your essay’s structure more solid.

task achievement

Your essay provides a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which is essential for a higher task achievement score.

task achievement

You included real-life examples (e.g., Cristiano Ronaldo, Mbappe) to support your points, which strengthens your argument.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs devoted to different points, making it easier to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

271 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Invasion of privacy
Media scrutiny
Public persona
Personal autonomy
Sensationalism
Paparazzi
Tabloid journalism
Right to privacy
Mental well-being
Public interest
Ethical journalism
Celebrity culture
Gossip columns

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