IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the contemporary era, the activity that should superstars show their personal
life
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 become
discussion
Add an article
a discussion
show examples
. Open
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private
life
Use synonyms
 can cause harmful problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 stars.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it will lead to negative effects,
troublesome
Correct word choice
and troublesome
show examples
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
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.
For example
Linking Words
, the idol
pray
Change the verb form
prays
show examples
 for evil
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
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 like satan can destroy their fame and become a topic for viewers to debate. Even, the consequences can be more serious like stars
got
Wrong verb form
getting
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 thief or
physically
Change the word
physical
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 impacts.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it will influence the personal image of famous people.
For example
Linking Words
, a monk recorded
the
Correct article usage
a
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 video of the process of walking through the country and earning money from citizens but
this
Linking Words
 monk used money for drugs and debauch activity can destroy the image of monks
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
an extremely
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extremely
Change the word
extreme
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 way.
Next,
Linking Words
the family of idols will be chased by
paparazis
Correct your spelling
paparazzi
 and it can cause some
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 which is not
worth
Correct pronoun usage
worth it
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
mom
Correct article usage
the mom
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 of Foden the famous
footballers
Fix the agreement mistake
footballer
show examples
was
Change the verb form
were
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 damaged by
group
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a group
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 of
crime
Replace the word
criminals
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the audience can be affected by
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
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 of
this
Linking Words
 activity. The viewers who just want to relax by listening to music but gain the negative things inadvertently.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it
waste
Correct subject-verb agreement
wastes
show examples
 time and energy like the
audiences
Fix the agreement mistake
audience
show examples
 can use
time
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the time
show examples
 for
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 out,
exercises
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
, take care of
family
Correct pronoun usage
their family
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instead
Linking Words
 of
see
Wrong verb form
seeing
show examples
 and
debate
Wrong verb form
debating
show examples
 about
private
Add an article
the private
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 of famous people on the internet to gain a lot of harmful thinking.
For example
Linking Words
, a group
fans
Change preposition
of fans
show examples
 of idol Phanh
ne
Change the capitalization
Ne
show examples
 wasted their time
for debate
Wrong verb form
debating
show examples
 with the keyboard hero on the media In conclusion,
personal
Add an article
the personal
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 of idols or anyone
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to be respected and protected by the policies of
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue and supports it with reasons and examples. However, the clarity and cohesion can be improved. For example, the introduction is somewhat unclear and some examples need further explanation or relevance.
coherence cohesion
Try to more clearly connect your main points back to your central argument in each paragraph. Smoothly connecting sentences and paragraphs will help improve the logical structure.
task achievement
While your argument is clear, some of your ideas need more explanation to fully convey your point. Ensuring examples are directly relevant and explained in context will help.
task achievement
You have a clear stance and provide several reasons to support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Media scrutiny
  • Public persona
  • Personal autonomy
  • Sensationalism
  • Paparazzi
  • Tabloid journalism
  • Right to privacy
  • Mental well-being
  • Public interest
  • Ethical journalism
  • Celebrity culture
  • Gossip columns
What to do next:
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