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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system as it deals with associated health issues. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #deals #health #education #lessons #school #curriculum
From the beginning of
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 food has caused most of the problems of the earthly population. Nowadays, the situation has not changed much. In many countries the healthcare system is being threatened by the number of overweight people, since
this
 condition causes a lot of associated health issues. In order to mitigate the effects of
this
 problem, some schools are increasing the amount of physical
education
 classes.
This
 is a very good initiative, but is it sufficient? Everyone agrees on the importance of physical
education
 at
school
. It is crucial for the students to start including sport in their daily life at a young age.
Therefore
, increasing the hours of P.E. at
school
 may surely be a blessing for young people, who get to incorporate physical exercise
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 their routine. In
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 the
school
 system tries to create a good habit, which should be kept
also
 in the future adult life of students.
Nevertheless
, increasing P.E. lessons in the
school
 curriculum is not sufficient.
School
time
 covers a relatively short
time
 of the day
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and of the week. Considering
also
 the holiday breaks, it is not hard to believe that students spend half of their
time
 outside of
school
.
Consequently
, a positive attitude towards food in the daily
famly
Correct your spelling
family
 life is fundamental. In conclusion, physical
education
 inside of the
school
 walls is important, but it has to be complemented
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 a good
education
also
 outside of them. For
this
 purpose, implementing the information
also
 with the help of newspapers and mass media communication can really make a difference.
Submitted by 2001martinap on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your argument about the effectiveness of physical education and other complementary measures.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, but make sure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Transitional phrases could enhance the overall cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, with a balanced view on the necessity of both physical education and holistic approaches to tackle obesity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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