The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system as it deals with associated health issues. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #deals #health #education #lessons #school #curriculum

From the beginning of

time

Add a comma

time,

show examples

food has caused most of the problems of the earthly population. Nowadays, the situation has not changed much. In many countries the healthcare system is being threatened by the number of overweight people, since

this

condition causes a lot of associated health issues. In order to mitigate the effects of

this

problem, some schools are increasing the amount of physical

education

classes.

This

is a very good initiative, but is it sufficient? Everyone agrees on the importance of physical

education

school

. It is crucial for the students to start including sport in their daily life at a young age.

Therefore

, increasing the hours of P.E. at

school

may surely be a blessing for young people, who get to incorporate physical exercise

Change preposition

into

show examples

their routine. In

this

way

Add a comma

way,

show examples

the

school

system tries to create a good habit, which should be kept

also

in the future adult life of students.

Nevertheless

, increasing P.E. lessons in the

school

curriculum is not sufficient.

School

time

covers a relatively short

time

of the day

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

and of the week. Considering

also

the holiday breaks, it is not hard to believe that students spend half of their

time

outside of

school

Consequently

, a positive attitude towards food in the daily

famly

Correct your spelling

family

life is fundamental. In conclusion, physical

education

inside of the

school

walls is important, but it has to be complemented

with

Change preposition

show examples

a good

education

also

outside of them. For

this

purpose, implementing the information

also

with the help of newspapers and mass media communication can really make a difference.

Submitted by 2001martinap on Tue Sep 03 2024

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task achievement

Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your argument about the effectiveness of physical education and other complementary measures.

coherence cohesion

Your essay is well-organized, but make sure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Transitional phrases could enhance the overall cohesion.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points.

task achievement

The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, with a balanced view on the necessity of both physical education and holistic approaches to tackle obesity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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5Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

259 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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