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Band 4.5

Some school leavers go traveling or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. Do you think this has more advantages, or disadvantages on their study

#school #leavers #work #period #time #university #study
Nowadays, youngsters have different prospects after they
completed
Wrong verb form
complete
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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school life. Some school leavers found of
go
Change the verb form
going
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 to either working or
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
.
To
Change preposition
In
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 the given period, rather than joining university directly, these practices have some positive impacts
to
Change preposition
on
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 students,
such
 as exploring the other culture,
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
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 to unwind
mind
Add an article
the mind
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, and getting
experience
. Even though that
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 some
drawbacks
, I believe
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 are more than its
drawbacks
.  On the one hand, one of the most significant
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
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 to go traveling during the gap period,
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 it helps to unwind the
mind
 from stress.
In other words
,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 is that gives many
experience
Change to a plural noun
experiences
show examples
. when they travel and explore the world, which helps
to
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apply
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student
Add an article
the student
a student
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 to
peaceful
Add an article
a peaceful
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mind
,
Due to
 that, their minds will
ready
Add a missing verb
be ready
show examples
 to access numerous thoughts and
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
.
For instance
, research shows that
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 people are happier and have
creativity
Replace the word
creative
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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. 
Furthermore
, when they
going
Wrong verb form
go
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 to work that different
experience
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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enables valuable to get job opportunities in future because of the practical knowledge. 
on the other hand
, engaging
other
Change preposition
in other
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 activities
become
Verb problem
has
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 detrimental effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 pursuing university studies. If
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 traveled or work that
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
Correct article usage
a distractors
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distractors
Correct your spelling
distraction
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 to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 studies.
Thus
, they are likely to less interested
on
Change preposition
in
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 learning and pursuing undergraduates.
For instance
, some students in my country , even though they get the opportunity to go
sate
Correct your spelling
state
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 university they not
entrolled
Correct your spelling
enrolled
 because of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 keen interest
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working. In conclusion, even though commuting and working
between
Change preposition
during
show examples
 the study gap period
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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brought
drawbacks
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 helps
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
to
Verb problem
apply
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gain work
experience
 and and chance to explore
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
. So, I believe these
practice
Change the determiner
practices
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 give
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more than it is
drawbacks
.
Submitted by jivenica1998 on

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task achievement
The introduction should clearly state your position. Also, the thesis statement can be more concise.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words and phrases could be used more effectively to connect ideas smoothly.
clarity and accuracy
Some sentences are a bit unclear due to grammatical errors. Ensure clarity by constructing grammatically correct sentences.
task response
Develop your points more thoroughly. Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear arguments presented in separate paragraphs.
task achievement
The idea of students gaining practical experience and maintaining a relaxed mindset before university is well-expressed.
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