IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think reading stories in books is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #stories #books #tv #computer #games #children
Hobbies are a great way to pass leisure
time
.
According to
 some folks,
individual
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an individual
the individual
show examples
 should
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 their free
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reading stories rather than watching programs on television or playing video
games
. I
,
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apply
show examples
 agree partially with the statement and the reasons behind my support will be discussed in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
 with, there are numerous benefits of spending
time
 with books as it helps in improving vocabulary
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 reading skills.
As when
Change preposition
When
show examples
 a person reads any book they come across new words which
enhances
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhance
show examples
 their knowledge.
Additionally
, it would reduce the exposure of screen
time
 on juvenile's eyes which will
hence
 be protected from harmful radiations emitting from tv and computer screens.
Moreover
, it would give an individual, a change
from
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apply
show examples
his hectic
schedules
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schedule
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. For kids,
story books
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storybooks
show examples
 give them
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to learn something on moral grounds. On the flip side, watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 shows and playing computer
games
 tends to be more attractive and lure people to spend their free
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 in front of the screen. Most of the people
seems
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seem
show examples
 to find them more interesting and fascinating as compared to boring reading. To add more, the wide variety of programs and
games
 seems more appealing
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
as
mostly
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most
show examples
 people
wants
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want
show examples
 to spend their leisure
time
in
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apply
show examples
doing some sort of entertainment and not
in
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apply
show examples
learning new
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
.
Although
, both
has
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have
show examples
 their own pros
but
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apply
show examples
I still find reading books more intriguing than playing video
games
 or watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
.
Submitted by kaur75971 on

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General
Improve vocabulary and grammar to make your writing more polished and formal.
Task Response
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point that is directly related to the question. Avoid generalizations and stay focused on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more connective words and phrases to enhance the flow of the text, such as 'furthermore,' 'additionally,' and 'in conclusion.'
Task Response
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. Instead of saying 'it helps in improving vocabulary,' you could give an example of how reading a particular book improved your own vocabulary.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on logical structure to ensure that arguments are developed smoothly and logically from one paragraph to the next. Make sure each paragraph links clearly to the main topic.
General
Good effort to discuss both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the complexity of the topic.
Task Response
Attempts to explain benefits and drawbacks of both reading books and engaging with screen-based activities, demonstrating a balanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The use of phrases like 'to begin with' and 'on the flip side' helps to signal the structure of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion provides a clear summary of your viewpoint. Keep working on making it even more concise and impactful.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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