IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people say we should invest more in space industry while others say we should spend that money on other purposes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #space #industry #money #purposes
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Some people believe that more investments should be made in the
space
Use synonyms
industry
Use synonyms
,
whereas
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 others argue that it is a waste of money which should be directed to different purposes. I agree completely with the second group of people because there are several problems more urgent and critical. In
this
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 issue, I will discuss some aspects related to it and give my own opinion. On one hand,
space
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 running has spent billions of dollars in the
last
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 70 years, since the end of World War II.
However
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, there are other problems that should be a priority for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments and companies.
This
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 amount,
for example
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, would be enough to
finish
Verb problem
end
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 poverty and starvation on the planet or to solve environmental problems.
Additionally
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, financing in
space
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 technology is frequently linked to war weapons and defence systems.
As a result
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, new technologies developed in
this
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 area of knowledge will often be used to kill people
instead
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 of saving lives.
On the other hand
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,
this
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industry
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 attracts the best scientists, engineers, and physicists around the world. Some devices and equipment only were developed
due to
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 investing in the
space
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industry
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. As an example, the microwave oven and modern pens were created by
space
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agencies
Change the noun form
agency
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 programs to support aerospace missions. Advances in health and medicine increased a lot owing to research to prepare astronauts. There is no doubt that some benefits came from
this
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 kind of investment.
To conclude
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, I believe that the government should shift the majority of investments in the
space
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industry
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 towards noble purposes,
such
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 as starvation, climate change, and global warming. These issues are much more urgent and important to human beings than the achievement of stars and other planets.
Submitted by fmulato on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, continue to develop your argument with more diverse, detailed examples. While you've made strong points, incorporating a wider variety of examples and evidence could strengthen your position further.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure your transitions between paragraphs are smoother. Use phrases that clearly signal the shift from one idea to the next. You've organized your ideas well, but smoother transitions will enhance readability and flow.
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