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Band 4.5

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#education #people #countries #adults #governments #money
It is true that
education
 has an indispensable role to play in many realms of contemporary
society
.
Hence
, some people
harbor
Change the spelling
harbour
show examples
 a belief that the government should expand its resources to educate older people. I am inclined to stand with the proponents.
To begin
 with, the front and the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in its favour is that the elders can not integrate into
society
. Admittedly, there is a growing tendency that seniors nowadays either have strong misconceptions
such
 as often taking advantage of their seniority,
for example
, in Taiwan the priority seats have always been an immensely controversial issue. In their cognition, they think those seats are set for the elders,
however
, they are given priority to the people who are not uncomfortable, pregnant or have children not only for them.
Moreover
, it seems like some proportion of the aged have conventional thinking
that is
 deeply rooted.
Nevertheless
, their ways of thinking are outdated, it can not accustomed to modern
society
. At the other end of the spectrum,
such
 a
vita
Correct your spelling
vital
show examples
 role does the government play in investing in elders’
education
. Considering an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population, it becomes increasingly important for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments to provide lifelong learning opportunities for older adults.
This
 not only helps them
engaged
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 in
society
 but
also
 allows them to acquire new skills that can boost the economy.
Besides
 the aforementioned,
education
 possibly decreases the rate of
Correct article usage
the elder
show examples
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 getting dementia. In a
society
that is
 rapidly
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 and lack of nursing care, prevention is better than cure. These indicate
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the importance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elder
education
, it appear the
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
 and health. In sum,
although
 expanding the budget for elders’
education
 has some merits,
is
Correct word choice
and is
show examples
 an irreversible trend, their demerits must not be ignored. It is widely believed that elders’
education
 should be emphasized, in order to connect to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Submitted by yuwen027 on

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General
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion, but it would benefit from more specific explanations and better-organized arguments.
Task Achievement
Consider providing more focused examples that directly address the points you're making. This will help to clarify and strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on logical structure and progression between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your overall argument and flows smoothly into the next one.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences are a bit awkwardly phrased or unclear. Pay attention to sentence structure and word choice to enhance clarity and readability.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea or topic sentence that is easy to identify and understand.
Introduction/Conclusion
Your introduction clearly states your position on the issue, which helps to frame the essay well.
Task Achievement
You have identified and discussed several important points related to the topic, showing a good understanding of the subject matter.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • literacy programs
  • functional illiteracy
  • social mobility
  • inter-generational poverty
  • workforce development
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • public health
  • civic participation
  • resource allocation
  • national development
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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