IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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We live in an age where some children spend
hours
Use synonyms
 every day on their smartphones. I
whole heartedly
Correct your spelling
wholeheartedly
show examples
 believe that
this
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 trend should be changed. I will discuss
this
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 view with arguments in the essay below.
To begin
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 with, spending
hours
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 on smartphones has
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 impact on students studies. They spent most of their time making
tik tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
, watching reels,
youtube
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YouTube
show examples
 etc. Because of
this
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, their sleeping schedule
disturbed
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is disturbed
show examples
 and they cannot pay heed to lectures in
Add an article
the class
a class
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class room
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classroom
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.
However
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, they did not spend much of their time in physical activities
such
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 as playing football, cricket, basketball etc. They lose their creativity.
Secondly
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,
this
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 habit can badly affect their health.
According to
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 research, spending
hours
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 on mobile without taking
rest
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a rest
show examples
 can make any
peron
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person
 eyesight weak.
Moreover
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, today's teenagers
is
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are
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 playing ludo,
chess
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and chess
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 on mobile with their friends rather than playing in real time. These
activites
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activities
 can make children mentally ill. They do not
developed
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develop
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 communication skills and become socially distant mediums.
In contrast
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, spending many
hours
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 on their phones can affect
students
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students'
student's
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 learning capabilities. A rapid use of mobile
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
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 the chances of getting serious psychiatric issues.
On the contrary
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, it
also
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help
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helps
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 students to learn about technology and new inventions and what is going on social media. To elucidate,
an
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apply
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excessive use of mobile by
youngstars
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youngsters
young stars
 can badly affect their mental and physical health. They lose their creative abilities. In my opinion,
its
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it's
it is
show examples
 completely a negative development.
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task achievement
Ensure all your main points are clearly developed and supported with specific examples. For instance, provide more detailed and specific evidence on how smartphone use can affect studies and health.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. Try to ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next. This can be improved by using coherent linking words and phrases, and making sure that each point logically follows from the previous one.
grammar
Pay attention to your spelling and minor grammatical errors, such as 'peron' should be 'person', and 'youngstars' should be 'youngsters'. These small mistakes can affect the readability of your essay.
structure
Your essay's structure is clear with a distinct introduction and conclusion. This is essential for good coherence and cohesion.
content
You present a balanced view by discussing both negative and potential positive aspects of children spending hours on smartphones. This shows a well-rounded approach to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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