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Band 3.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
We live in an age where some children spend
hours
 every day on their smartphones. I
whole heartedly
Correct your spelling
wholeheartedly
show examples
 believe that
this
 trend should be changed. I will discuss
this
 view with arguments in the essay below.
To begin
 with, spending
hours
 on smartphones has
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on students studies. They spent most of their time making
tik tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
, watching reels,
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 etc. Because of
this
, their sleeping schedule
disturbed
Add a missing verb
is disturbed
show examples
 and they cannot pay heed to lectures in
Add an article
the class
a class
show examples
class room
Correct your spelling
classroom
show examples
.
However
, they did not spend much of their time in physical activities
such
 as playing football, cricket, basketball etc. They lose their creativity.
Secondly
,
this
 habit can badly affect their health.
According to
 research, spending
hours
 on mobile without taking
rest
Correct article usage
a rest
show examples
 can make any
peron
Correct your spelling
person
 eyesight weak.
Moreover
, today's teenagers
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 playing ludo,
chess
Correct word choice
and chess
show examples
 on mobile with their friends rather than playing in real time. These
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 can make children mentally ill. They do not
developed
Change the verb form
develop
show examples
 communication skills and become socially distant mediums.
In contrast
, spending many
hours
 on their phones can affect
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 learning capabilities. A rapid use of mobile
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
 the chances of getting serious psychiatric issues.
On the contrary
, it
also
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 students to learn about technology and new inventions and what is going on social media. To elucidate,
an
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apply
show examples
excessive use of mobile by
youngstars
Correct your spelling
youngsters
young stars
 can badly affect their mental and physical health. They lose their creative abilities. In my opinion,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 completely a negative development.
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task achievement
Ensure all your main points are clearly developed and supported with specific examples. For instance, provide more detailed and specific evidence on how smartphone use can affect studies and health.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. Try to ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next. This can be improved by using coherent linking words and phrases, and making sure that each point logically follows from the previous one.
grammar
Pay attention to your spelling and minor grammatical errors, such as 'peron' should be 'person', and 'youngstars' should be 'youngsters'. These small mistakes can affect the readability of your essay.
structure
Your essay's structure is clear with a distinct introduction and conclusion. This is essential for good coherence and cohesion.
content
You present a balanced view by discussing both negative and potential positive aspects of children spending hours on smartphones. This shows a well-rounded approach to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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