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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some people often think that
competition
Use synonyms
 in daily, professional and school
life
Use synonyms
 is a good thing,
while
Linking Words
, some believe that, sometimes we should try to cooperate more rather than competing against each other. Let's have a look at both of these views and reach a concrete decision.
To begin
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 with,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think challenges in workplaces and in our normal
life
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 an effective thing. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the benefits we get
are depends
Change the verb form
depend
show examples
 on how much
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 we do.
For example
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, if a
person
Use synonyms
 who is running a small business
consider
Correct subject-verb agreement
considers
show examples
 another
person
Use synonyms
 as his competitor, and he wants to conquer him, he
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 his nose to the grindstone.
On the contrary
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,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think
competition
Use synonyms
 between young children is not beneficial for them. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it can fall their confidence and they might think
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 as losers. So, it depends
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 which
state
Correct your spelling
stage
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
 the
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
 is necessary.
Secondly
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, yes,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree with
this
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 statement that sometimes we need cooperation in comparison to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
 with another
person
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.
However
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, the reason behind
this
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 logic is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 every
person
Use synonyms
 has strengths and weaknesses. As an example, we consider one
person
Use synonyms
 as our competitor, because he might be good in algebra.
In contrast
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, we should think that, if that particular
person
Use synonyms
 is good at that specific thing,
then
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i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am
also
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 professional in
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 or some other things that he might be not. From my perspective, every individual is someone's ideal, so,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think
competition
Use synonyms
 is not effective at every stage of
life
Use synonyms
, especially in kids in schools where they need to become confident.
Similarly
Linking Words
, in some points of
life
Use synonyms
, we should try to cooperate with others especially with our seniors or juniors, rather than competing with them.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a clearer structure. Consider making each main point a separate paragraph and use clear topic sentences to guide the reader.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to back up your arguments. This will help to illustrate your points more effectively and make them more persuasive.
general
Work on eliminating minor grammatical errors and refining your vocabulary to make your essay more polished.
task achievement
You have addressed both views as required by the task and provided your opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your arguments.
task achievement
You acknowledged both positive and negative aspects of competition, showing a balanced perspective.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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