IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
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Numerous
people
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 are becoming obese essentially. A group of
people
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 think the problem can be solved by raising the
price
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 of junk
foods
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. From my point of view, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 solution somehow
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
for
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 three reasons: some
people
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 can not afford healthy and organic
foods
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, to balance the
economical
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economic
show examples
 situation healthy
foods
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 become expensive as well, and a group of
people
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 who have to gain
weight
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 become forgotten.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the reasons
which
Correct word choice
why
show examples
 I disagree with the mentioned solution from a part of
population
Add an article
the population
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are humans who can not afford healthy products as their income is low.
For example
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, in the US healthy
items’
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items
show examples
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price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 really high.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they have to purchase the low-
price
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 ones- fattening
foods
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 included in the list -to live their life. So, they have to buy inorganic and fattening products in order to manage their income.
Secondly
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, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economics when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fattening items become more expensive, their ingredients have to be
in
Change preposition
at
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 a higher
price
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 as well. Those ingredients are sometimes the fundamental needs of a healthy dish.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
burger
Correct article usage
a burger
show examples
 becomes expensive, its ingredients like tomato and meat costs a lot in the same way.
As a result
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, the
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 balance makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
foods
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 expensive as well.
Thirdly
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, a population requires
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
serious attention to its
weight
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 for their low
weight
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. So, it is vital for them
have
Add the particle
to have
show examples
 a consumption of junk
foods
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 in their nutrition plan. As an example, nutritionists’ advice is to eat
foods
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 which
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
 the
weight
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 for those who are in a serious state of health.
However
Linking Words
, by raising the
price
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 of junk
foods
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, they will face
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
issues,
such
Linking Words
 as not being capable
to manage
Change preposition
of managing
show examples
 their income and savings.
As a result
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, it is a must to consider the ones who
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to gain
weight
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 in order to be stable. To
be concluded
Wrong verb form
conclude
show examples
, considerations have to be made for humans who have to increase their
weight
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, a population sometimes can not give the amount of money for purchasing organic products.
Also
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 status,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
foods
Use synonyms
 will be expensive in a row.
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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task and presents relevant arguments. However, try to develop your ideas further with more specific and varied examples to support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, consider improving the flow between paragraphs using appropriate transitional phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but work on making your thesis statement more explicit and your concluding paragraph more definitive.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt directly and covers multiple facets of the issue, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical progression of ideas which makes your argument easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your language use is varied, and you have included some good examples to illustrate your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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