It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

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A large number of people hold the view that it is vital for kids to learn the definition of right and wrong. Some individuals believe that it is essential to treat them harshly to help them learn

this

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difference.

However

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, I think it is not a good idea because excessive

punishment

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could hinder their development. In my opinion, one of the main issues is that if

parents

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and teachers treat

children

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harshly, it will create obstacles in their activities, leading to a loss of confidence and placing more pressure on their minds. Admittedly,

punishment

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can negatively impact their relationships, resulting in an unhealthy lifestyle.

According to

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a survey carried out by Melbourne University, 90% of interviewees said that 65% of juveniles have left primary school in the

last

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five years, compared to the previous fifteen years. From my own experience and from what I’ve read in articles,

children

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are more likely to become dissatisfied, which discourages them from paying attention.

As a result

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, juveniles may not be able to develop their cognitive abilities.

In contrast

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, some individuals think that

children

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should be punished by their

parents

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and teachers to help them learn good

behavior

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behaviour

show examples

However

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, I believe that

punishment

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should be flexible,

such

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as providing more lessons or having discussions with

parents

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, which encourages them to accept difficulties and helps them become better leaders in our society. Take Japan as an example: 75% of

children

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have gained practical experience working in teams over the

last

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ten years because they were given more opportunities, resulting in increased skills.

On the other hand

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, I think

children

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should have self-determination so they can adapt to circumstances. In fact, if

parents

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impose too many punishments, it will lead to frustration, and they might turn to drugs, which could harm their careers. In conclusion, giving

punishment

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not only puts pressure on their minds but

also

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hinders the development of their skills. Personally, I believe that

children

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should be provided with more opportunities to learn and grow.

mahamudzisanWed Sep 04 2024

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that each body paragraph addresses a distinct point to avoid repetition. For example, avoid repeating arguments against harsh punishment by focusing on varied aspects, such as emotional impacts in one paragraph and social consequences in another.

coherence cohesion

Strengthen the connection between ideas using a wider variety of cohesive devices like 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' and 'Therefore.' This will ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

task achievement

Provide a more balanced viewpoint by including more counterarguments and addressing them effectively. This will enhance the essay’s depth and show that you have considered multiple perspectives.

coherence cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay, providing a strong start and finish.

task achievement

The main points are supported with relevant examples, such as the survey from Melbourne University and the example from Japan, which help to illustrate the arguments well.

task achievement

The essay thoroughly responds to the prompt and addresses both parts of the question, outlining personal opinions and suggesting constructive forms of punishment.

9
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

331 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

punishment
positive reinforcement
consequences
time-outs
removal of privileges
open communication
clear expectations
consistency
fairness
disciplinary action
proportionate
moral values
internalization

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