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Writing Samples
Band 5

In today’s society, both Western medicine and traditional complementary forms of medicines’ are now widely known and used. The effectiveness of these kinds of treatment is determined by the patient’s mental attitude towards it. To what extent you agree or disagree?

#today’s #society #medicine #forms #medicines’ #effectiveness #kinds #treatment #patient’s #attitude
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It is often believed that the
effects
 of Western and traditional
medicines
 are determined by the mental
attitudes
 of
patients
 toward them
while
 they are increasingly popular in current society. I partially agree with
this
, for the
effects
 vary greatly regardless of their constant
effects
 on their biological mechanisms. On the one hand, the mental
attitudes
 of those who use Western and traditional
medicines
 have a significant impact on them as their feelings toward them lead to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 use in a different way.
In other words
,
patients
 having trust
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them are more likely to take
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
medicines
 than those who do not, resulting in diverse results
due to
 a different proportion of their intakes.
For example
,
patients
 consuming more
medicines
 are more likely to demonstrate clear signs of their
effects
 whether they
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 positive or negative.
In contrast
, the
medicines
 would seem ineffective to those who are suspicious of their
effects
 and refuse to take them, making an incredible difference in their
effects
 in spite of the same substances included in the
medicines
.
On the other hand
,
patients
' psychological
attitudes
 do not make a significant change since the
medicines
 produce similar results as
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 are more biologically affected by their chemical substances. Indeed, their physical reactions are not altered by their individual beliefs but by
sicence
Correct your spelling
science
 as each pill is designed to affect a particular function of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 body.
For instance
, "Kanpo" or a traditional medicine in Japan is effective
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
patients
 suffering from stomachache as it is able to heal the pain and facilitate
dygestion
Correct your spelling
digestion
 even when people have some doubts
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 it.
Consequently
, the results of
such
 medicine are often expected as scientists have conducted a number of experiments to assess their
effects
. In
conclusoin
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I somewhat
suppot
Correct your spelling
support
 the view that mental conditions can make some differences in the
effects
 of Western and traditional
medicines
 as the beliefs of individuals affect how many doses they take each day.
However
, their psychological
attitudes
 play a minor role as
medicines
 are created by scientists who aim to improve a certain bodily function after a number of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
trials.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a clearer restatement of the position in the conclusion. This will help reinforce your argument and make your stance unequivocal.
task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay question, this will enhance clarity and focus.
coherence cohesion
Some of your ideas need better elaboration. For instance, you mention that people with positive attitudes are more likely to take in more medicine, but this point could be expanded and explained with more depth.
task achievement
Your introduction is strong; it sets the stage for your discussion appropriately.
coherence cohesion
You use transitions well to guide the reader through your arguments, contributing to good coherence.
task achievement
You provide relevant specific examples such as the effectiveness of 'Kanpo' in Japan, which adds depth to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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