IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
children
Use synonyms
 and teenagers use their
phones
Use synonyms
 every day.
This
Linking Words
 is because there are lots of functions of these gadgets;
however
Linking Words
, I do not agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
Linking Words
 health problems after using telephones for hours. Nowadays, millions of
children
Use synonyms
 have their
phones
Use synonyms
 at an early age and they use them for different aims. As I mentioned, there are lots of functions of smartphones like maps, cameras, studies,
games
Use synonyms
, social media, chatting, etc. Of course, some
children
Use synonyms
 use their
phones
Use synonyms
 to improve their knowledge about
this
Linking Words
 world. But, there are
also
Linking Words
 kids that spend their time just playing video
games
Use synonyms
 and watching videos.
By contrast
Linking Words
, there is one fact that these uses of
phones
Use synonyms
 are interesting for all
children
Use synonyms
 and teenagers. They can spend their time for lots of reasons, but all of these reasons are interesting for users.
For example
Linking Words
, my brother spends about 3 hours using his phone every day, but he uses it for studying and video
games
Use synonyms
. So he is interested in these functions of smartphones.
However
Linking Words
, even
using
Correct word choice
though using
show examples
 these gadgets is so interesting, I cannot agree
due to
Linking Words
 the health issues of people. First of all, smartphones are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 our eyes with their ultraviolet lights, and in the end, we will need to wear glasses for better visibility even at an early age.
According to
Linking Words
 scientists, about 45% of
children
Use synonyms
 in our world wear glasses because of
phones
Use synonyms
. Even my brother
that
Correct word choice
whom
show examples
 I mentioned started to wear glasses when he was just 6 years old. In conclusion, it is interesting to play video
games
Use synonyms
, watch some videos, or even study by phone;
however
Linking Words
, I disagree with it because it is
also
Linking Words
 harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 our health.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
To improve your task response, ensure that the essay fully addresses the prompt by providing more detailed rationale for both parts of the question. Elaborate more on why children spend hours on smartphones and provide a more balanced view on whether this is positive or negative.
coherence cohesion
Structure your arguments more clearly. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main point and that these points are logically connected throughout the essay. Using linking words and phrases more consistently will also help your essay flow better.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task response
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which helps in making your argument more concrete.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: