IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #technology #development #decreases #crime #crimes
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Argument
Fix the agreement mistake
Arguments
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regards to
Wrong verb form
regarding
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 whether the development of
technology
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 could reduce
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 been raised
at
Change preposition
in
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 recent
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
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 of the view and conclude
my
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with my
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 own opinion
at the end
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. Proponents suggest the advance in
technology
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 would contribute to the mitigation
in
Change preposition
of
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Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate. The major aspect of
this
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 idea is that the security department of the city could utilise those newly introduced tools to observe and investigate
crime
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 scenes more efficiently.
For instance
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, it was reported that the installation of
full
Correct article usage
a full
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 coverage CCTV network in London has significantly
lowering
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lowered
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 the number of pick-pocket in the city. With those advanced monitoring techniques, illegal behaviour can
be hardly hide
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be hardly hidden
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 from the camera.
Consequently
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,
less
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fewer
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 people would try to break the law since they could be easily found by the police.
Although
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 the rate of
crime
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 within the cities has seen
Add an article
a dramatical
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dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
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 reduction, the development of
technology
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 brought drawbacks as well.
For instance
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, cyber-attacks.
While
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 information
technology
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 has covered many aspects of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, the privacy of individuals might not be properly protected. People may receive phishing
email
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emails
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 with their accurate personal information on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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,
as a result
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 of illegal personal data trade in
Correct article usage
the black-market
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black-market
Correct your spelling
black market
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.
This
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 might cause substantial financial loss
of
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for
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 the citizens.
Moreover
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, newly developed tools may
also
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being
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be
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 utilised by criminals, making crimes can be simply conducted.
Thus
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, the
technology
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 could have stimulation effects on illegal acts. In conclusion, the advance in
technology
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 has a two-sides
impacts
Correct the article-noun agreement
impact
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 on the illegal activities, contemporarily. The decrease in traditional crimes may have been transfer to newly derived forms.
Therefore
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, it is crucial to introduce new laws,
new
Correct word choice
and new
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 approaches
along with
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 the forwarding techniques to mitigate and prevent
crime
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 from happening.
Submitted by kejian_shi on

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task achievement
While the essay presents relevant arguments on both sides of the debate, providing more specific and detailed examples could enhance your argument. For instance, you might discuss particular high-profile cyber-attacks or other relevant incidents to add depth to your argument against technological advancement.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For example, use linking phrases such as 'on the other hand' or 'however' to connect contrasting points.
task achievement
The essay successfully discusses both sides of the debate and provides a balanced viewpoint, which is essential for a high Task Response score.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
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