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Band 5

Nowdays, advertising aimed at children is on the rise. Some people think this should be controlled. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#nowdays #children #rise #people
The soaring number of
advertisements
 directed at
children
 has been a bitter controversy over the
last
 decade. From
this
 aspect, questions about whether
this
 phenomenon should be regulated are raised. In my opinion, commercials targeting
children
 should be strictly regulated to a greater extent. Evidently, impulsive buying occurs recklessly.
This
 is because a majority of
children
 are easily brainwashed by what they see and obsessed with new products, like expensive toys and clothes.
This
 undoubtedly leads parents to struggle with financial pressure and
this
 in turn leads, to a negative impact on
household
Add an article
the household
show examples
 economy or their physical and mental health What is more,
although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
significant
Correct article usage
the significant
show examples
 roles of
advertisements
 cannot be overlooked, a high number of these
advertisements
 contain exaggerated, misleading or false
information
. In actual fact, consumer studies undertaken by experts have revealed that without considering
accuracy
Correct article usage
the accuracy
show examples
 and reliability of
information
, companies only focus on sales volume in order to maximize
overall
 profits.
Neverthelers
Correct your spelling
Nevertheless
, it is irrefutable that some advertising is beneficial. To be specific, since it provides a wide range of
information
 regarding new products,
children
 would wisely make a decision
on purchasing
Change preposition
to purchase
show examples
 educational books, games and toys that would highly help them improve their academic performance, skills and level of knowledge. To recapitulate,
children
 who are not yet mature
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 distinguish what is right from wrong recklessly experience impulsive buying and a large amount of misleading
information
 is contained in
advertisements
.
Thus
, these
advertisements
 for
children
 should be strictly regulated.
Submitted by leeante3020 on

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task achievement
The arguments presented are relevant and generally well-explained, but incorporating more specific examples could strengthen your argument even further.
task achievement
Try to eliminate minor language errors and maintain consistency in word choice to improve clarity and professionalism.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas to further enhance the logical flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Clear and structured arguments were presented, contributing to the logical flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Both introduction and conclusion are logically sound and present, wrapping up the essay nicely.
task achievement
The essay comprehensively addresses the task requirements, providing balanced arguments for regulation of advertisements aimed at children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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