IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures #impact #populations
There is
problem
Add an article
the problem
a problem
show examples
 of
rising
Correct article usage
a rising
show examples
avarage
Correct your spelling
average
 lifespan in the most enhanced
coutries
Correct your spelling
countries
, which leads to
weakening
Correct article usage
a weakening
show examples
 workforce.
Therefore
, new declared laws in
such
 countries can be considered as a solution for
this
 issue. Because of
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 quality of essence, average life expectancy is indeed growing, causing troubles with
sufficiency
Add an article
the sufficiency
a sufficiency
show examples
 of
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
. Conventionally,
people
 aged between 19 and 43 are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
capable workers, which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
usually
comprises
Correct subject-verb agreement
comprise
show examples
 a majority of residents.
Nevertheless
, in developed countries
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 age of
people
 is increasing, and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of youths
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 less than elderly
people
.
Thus
, industry and agriculture lack active workers, and in future, it will deteriorate even more.
Moreover
, old
people
 will get payments as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retired
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 which will put
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
pressure
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
state’s
Correct article usage
the state’s
show examples
 economy.
Nonetheless
, the government can take action by implementing changes
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 laws.
Gist
Correct article usage
The Gist
show examples
 of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 reforms should be about providing additional indulgence to young families or those with a lot of children. The reason behind
that is
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of couples do not marry or plan to have
baby
Correct article usage
a baby
show examples
, because of unstable financial conditions in their early 20s.
Therefore
, new laws that will support
this families
Change the determiner
this family
these families
show examples
 with indulgence for depts or funds for uprising toddlers will partly improve
this
 situation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and will motivate some part of the couples to engage and to give
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
birth. If the governments financially support those
people
, it will pay off in future when they will become active
resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
show examples
 of that state.
To conclude
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 indeed some complications with
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
 of
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 lifespan of
people
 in countries of the first world,
such
 as
weak
Correct article usage
a weak
show examples
 workforce.
However
, actions of the governments that
supports
Change the verb form
support
show examples
 young families can better
this
 situation. pls check my
ielts
Correct your spelling
IELTS
 writing task 1 give my estimate score and give me feedback with deep explanations
Submitted by IELTS nis on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

suggestion
Use more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. For example, words like 'solution' or 'provide' appear frequently.
suggestion
Improve the accuracy of grammar, such as “depts” instead of “debts,” and correct the pluralization ('those that,' not 'that').
suggestion
Work on sentence structure to enhance clarity. Some sentences are a bit too long and could be made clearer.
comment
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion.
comment
You have presented both the problem and a potential solution effectively, addressing the key elements of the prompt.
comment
The content is relevant to the topic, and you have provided logical arguments and examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
What to do next:
Look at other essays: