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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

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In
this
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 contemporary world, it is argued that
people
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 should have a huge amount of
money
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 in order to be happy. Thanks to cash, they can just purchase anything they want;
however
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, other factors
such
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 as
job
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 satisfaction or having a family are vital. In
this
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 essay, I will try to draw some conclusions. The main reason why
people
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 with cash are happy is that they can buy whatever they want. They can fly to the resort they have dreamed of or visit their favourite countries. They could purchase absolutely everything (a car, a house, furniture, or renovate their apartment. And,
as a result
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,
people
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 feel happy. Take my brother as an example. When he worked and did not get enough
money
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, he seemed unhappy.
However
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, now, he has found his dream
job
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 ( highly paid) and is always smiling. He can pay for me in a restaurant or give me a ride in a car.
In other words
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,
money
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 contributes to
people
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's well-being.
Nevertheless
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, other factors in life are
also
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 important. Since
people
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 spend the majority of their time at work, they need to get
job
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 satisfaction as it contributes to the level of happiness of
people
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. Specifically, my mother works as a teacher, and complete immersion in work and gratification increase dopamine levels.
Moreover
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, another option is socialization. It is important for society to have friends and family because without them the public will feel lonely, depressed and
this
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 can even lead to suicide.
Overall
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, other factors except for
money
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 are essential. In conclusion,
while
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 it is confirmed that thanks to
money
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 humanity become blissful, I would
also
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 argue that other options
such
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 as having friends and
job
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 satisfaction are necessary.

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task achievement
Focus on providing a more balanced view. While you discuss both sides of the argument, you might delve a bit deeper into the non-monetary sources of happiness. Make sure each point is equally developed.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety and complexity. While the essay is generally clear, varied sentence structures and more sophisticated vocabulary would enhance readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the main argument. The logical flow of ideas is well-maintained, making it easy to follow your reasoning.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples, such as your brother and mother, effectively illustrate your main points and make your argument more relatable and concrete.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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