“Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?”

In the cutting-edge virtual age,
era
Correct article usage
the era
show examples
performs an imperative function in tracking people via techniques
together with
mobile phone monitoring and safety cameras.
While
such
practices can decorate
protection
and safety,
in
addition
Add the comma(s)
addition,
show examples
they increase huge issues concerning
privateness
and the ability for abuse.
This
essay will argue that despite the fact that there are blessings to
this
development, the hazards,
in particular
the erosion of
privateness
, are greater and more concerning. One of the number one blessings of the tracking
era
is its cap potential to decorate public
protection
. Security cameras in public locations can deter crime and help regulation enforcement in figuring out and apprehending offenders.
For instance
, towns with great surveillance structures regularly document lower crime rates, growing more secure surroundings for residents.
Additionally
, mobile phone monitoring can assist
discover
Change preposition
in discovering
show examples
lacking men and women or offer
well timed
Add a hyphen
well-timed
show examples
help throughout emergencies, probably saving lives.
However
, the hazards of
such
surveillance practices are profound. The most urgent subject is the invasion of
privateness
Replace the word
privacy
show examples
. Many people are unaware that they're being monitored, leading to a feeling of mistrust amongst citizens.
This
loss of transparency can create a society wherein humans sense continuously observed, stifling freedom of expression and inhibiting
person
Replace the word
personal
show examples
behaviour.
Furthermore
, the misuse of accrued facts can result in discrimination, harassment, or maybe illegal surveillance with the aid of the government or corporations. In conclusion, at the same time as the blessings of the
era
in tracking people,
together with
more desirable
protection
, are noteworthy, the hazards,
in particular
the infringement on
privateness
and the ability for misuse, are greater. Society should cautiously
don't
Verb problem
not
show examples
forget those implications and attempt
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
stability that protects
each
Correct determiner usage
all
show examples
public
protection
and personal rights. Effective guidelines and transparency are important to make certain that
era
serves as a device for accuracy as opposed to a method of oppressive oversight.
Submitted by albaraaalsufyani3 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Specific cases or statistics can strengthen your essay and make it more persuasive.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure each argument is fully developed with clear and comprehensive points. This will help make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
complete response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue of technology monitoring people.
introduction conclusion present
Both the introduction and conclusion are well-presented, giving a clear overview and summarizing the points discussed in the essay.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is good, with clear and distinct paragraphs that discuss different aspects of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: