IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The pie chart show what makes people most happy for two different age groups. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie chart show what makes people most happy for two different age groups. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #people #two #age #groups #information #features #comparisons
Both
chart
Change to a plural noun
charts
show examples
 depict
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 about what makes
people
 most happy. The difference is the first pie
chart
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the percentage of
people
 under 30 and the second one
display
Correct subject-verb agreement
displays
show examples
 the percentage of
people
 above 30.
The
Change preposition
In the
show examples
 first
chart
,
people
 below 30 feel happy if they can have achievement at work with 31 per
cent
.
Then
, doing their hobbies
also
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 happy with
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
 amount
22
Change preposition
of 22
show examples
 per
cent
. After that, 18 per
cent
 out of 100 per
cent
 was for having a good appearance.
Besides
, traveling has
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 15 per
cent
.
Last
, other factors became the least with 14 per
cent
. The next
chart
, achievement at
office
Add an article
the office
show examples
 still dominated the category even in different ages, approximately 32 per
cent
.
Furthermore
, doing activities they like
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 the second reason why they are overjoyed. Financial security on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third place about 20 per
cent
. Afterwards, being with family
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 at least 14 per
cent
.
Lastly
, unknown factors
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 10 per
cent
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 78%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, people, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • illustrates
  • contributing factors
  • distinct age groups
  • primary sources
  • comprising
  • leading contributors
  • predominant
  • accounting for
  • underscores contrasts
  • prioritize
  • universal aspects of well-being
  • engaging in enjoyable activities
  • source of joy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: