IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart show what makes people most happy for two different age groups. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie chart show what makes people most happy for two different age groups. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #people #two #age #groups #information #features #comparisons
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Both
Use synonyms
chart
Change to a plural noun
charts
show examples
 depict
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 about what makes
people
Use synonyms
 most happy. The difference is the first pie
chart
Use synonyms
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 under 30 and the second one
display
Correct subject-verb agreement
displays
show examples
 the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 above 30.
The
Change preposition
In the
show examples
 first
chart
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 below 30 feel happy if they can have achievement at work with 31 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, doing their hobbies
also
Linking Words
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 happy with
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
 amount
22
Change preposition
of 22
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 per
cent
Use synonyms
. After that, 18 per
cent
Use synonyms
 out of 100 per
cent
Use synonyms
 was for having a good appearance.
Besides
Linking Words
, traveling has
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 15 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Last
Linking Words
, other factors became the least with 14 per
cent
Use synonyms
. The next
chart
Use synonyms
, achievement at
office
Add an article
the office
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 still dominated the category even in different ages, approximately 32 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, doing activities they like
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 the second reason why they are overjoyed. Financial security on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third place about 20 per
cent
Use synonyms
. Afterwards, being with family
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 at least 14 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, unknown factors
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 78%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, people, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • illustrates
  • contributing factors
  • distinct age groups
  • primary sources
  • comprising
  • leading contributors
  • predominant
  • accounting for
  • underscores contrasts
  • prioritize
  • universal aspects of well-being
  • engaging in enjoyable activities
  • source of joy
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