IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is undeniable that the
development
 of
technology
 plays a significant role in our daily lives. Nowadays,
lots
 of
people
use
technology
 for the sake of school or work, but it is
also
 increasingly being used to monitor
people
’s actions and words, one of them is security cameras. There is much debate on whether it is a good or a bad thing and
this
 essay will argue whether the advantages of
this
development
 outweigh the disadvantages or not. There are
lots
 of
people
 who think that the
development
 of
technology
 is beneficial for humans because of the number of criminal cases that are always increasing,
such
 as robbery, murder, assault, etcetera. There have been
lots
 of criminal cases that could be solved
due to
 the CCTV footage that has always been used to solve unanswered questions.
For instance
, a guy that has been robbed in the supermarket lost all of his important belongings but there is a chance he can get his things back because it is possible to catch the culprit by looking at the security camera.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think that
this
 is a disadvantage rather than an advantage because there are
lots
 of
people
 who
use
technology
 for the wrong purposes to benefit themselves. One of the examples is hacking
people
’s phones to get their personal information and
use
 it without the person knowing. In conclusion, the
development
 of
technology
 can be beneficial or harmful depending on how we
use
 it in our daily lives.
However
, I still believe that it is more beneficial since it has helped us a lot to solve
lots
 of things that happened and hopefully can keep helping us in the future.
Submitted by audreynikkijoe on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You have provided a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, make sure your thesis statement clearly answers the question directly.
task response
Maintain a balance of examples and analysis in each paragraph. You may want to include more specific examples or data for stronger support.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all ideas are fully expanded and linked. Try to provide smoother transitions between paragraphs to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion.
task response
The main idea in each paragraph is supported with examples, making your argument more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: