IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of ringing people of different cultures and ages together to extent do you agree or disagree with this opionion.

#people #music #cultures #ages #opionion
Music
 can be defined as a form of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
 which unites people from different backgrounds. To treasure a special moment, often musicians compose a song
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
dedicated to
this
 event. There are other forms which can represent the unity of culture,
such
 as paintings or speeches.
However
,
melody
 and lyrics generally deliver a
message
 which is easier to understand compared to
other form
Change the wording
another form
other forms
show examples
 of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
.
Therefore
, I agree that
music
 is capable
to bring
Change preposition
of bringing
show examples
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 with diverse cultures together as most
human
Change to a plural noun
humans
show examples
 are able to interpret the meaning.
Music
 composers utilise the
melody
 to
delivers
Wrong verb form
deliver
show examples
 feelings.
For instance
, fast tempo beats represent happiness, and slow gentle rhyme might mean sadness or
hopeful
Replace the word
hope
show examples
.
In addition
 to
melody
, musicians
also
 write the lyrics to deliver the
message
. Cryptic is well known in most
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 which
mitigate
Correct subject-verb agreement
mitigates
show examples
 the risk of sending a false
message
.
Therefore
,
music
 is a great
media
Fix the agreement mistake
medium
show examples
 when delivering a
message
 as the meanings can be interpreted straight from the
melody
 and lyrics.
On the other hand
,
other form
Change the wording
another form
other forms
show examples
 of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
 could mean different things depending on each culture.
For example
,
red
Correct article usage
the red
show examples
 colour in paintings,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be interpreted as bravery in one country and blood in others which represents
dead
Replace the word
death
show examples
.
Therefore
, the artist might deliver the wrong meanings to the public. Earlier
this
 year,
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom revealed Prince
Charles
Change noun form
Charles's
show examples
 paintings with red
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
, some interpreted the painting as bravery and others thought the red colour meant the blood
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 African miners
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
whom
show examples
 the royal family obtained their
diamond
Fix the agreement mistake
diamonds
show examples
. In conclusion,
music
 is a great
media
Fix the agreement mistake
medium
show examples
 which unites people from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
 better than other
arts
 as cryptic is understood by most cultures
Submitted by petreub on

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task achievement
The essay responds to the task adequately, but there are areas for improvement to achieve a higher score. For instance, expanding on the argument and providing more specific examples can strengthen the response.
task achievement
Some ideas are not fully developed or supported. Elaborating on points made and providing clearer, more detailed examples can improve clarity and comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, though some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Ensuring better flow between ideas will enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes. However, consider making the conclusion more impactful by summarizing the key points made in the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt and takes a definitive stance, which is commendable.
task achievement
The use of specific terminology related to music and art showcases a good grasp of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The writer has made an effort to connect the main points to the central argument, which helps in maintaining focus.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the content well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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