IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays more and more people are using smartphones and computers to communicate, so they are losing the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#people #smartphones #computers #ability #face
In
this
 modern world, a big part of the population in the world using their smartphones to communicate with friends, family and
also
,
in
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apply
show examples
their job.
Likewise
, we are not having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real human interaction. In my opinion,
this
 is a true affirmation and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will
axplain
Correct your spelling
explain
 why.
Firstly
, the advance of technology has impacted very deep in our life .
As a result
, people found their phones as an essential part
in
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of
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 their routine.
Furthermore
, the
instantanious
Correct your spelling
instantaneous
 communication that
internet
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the internet
show examples
give
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gives
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 us is very convenient to save time and costs.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, we are
loosing
Correct your spelling
losing
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 the real human connection
such
 as body language or
face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
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face
 interaction.
For instance
, an article from TIMES magazine affirms that adults
expend
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 8 hours a day
in
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on
show examples
 their screens, and the demand increasing year by year.
Secondly
, the increased usage of digital communication can lead us to social isolation.
However
, many people argue about the value of having a good conversation
face to
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face-to-face
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face
 and
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in person
show examples
person
Replace the word
personal
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meetings
Fix the agreement mistake
meeting
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. I believe, that society has to
incentive
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incentivise
show examples
this
 kind of
aproach
Correct your spelling
approach
 between humans, friends and family. For
intance
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instance
, a study from Colorado
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
 declares that the real
conection
Correct your spelling
connection
 generates
seronotine
Correct your spelling
serotonin
 in our body, developing a good
inmune
Correct your spelling
immune
 system and
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 us to reduce depression. In conclusion,
altohugh
Correct your spelling
although
 the increasing demand
of
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for
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technolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 in our world, humans need to be aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the fact that a
face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face
 conversation
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 us to increase our
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 as a species.
Submitted by marcodimonaco89 on

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grammar
Pay more attention to grammatical accuracy and spelling. There are some spelling and grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as 'axplain' instead of 'explain,' 'expends' instead of 'spends,' 'instantanious' instead of 'instantaneous,' 'inmune' instead of 'immune,' and 'seronotine' instead of 'serotonin'.
style
Try to avoid repetitive phrases and words. For instance, instead of saying 'face to face' multiple times, alternate with synonyms such as 'person-to-person' or 'direct interaction.'
content development
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-supported with relevant examples. While the paragraphs generally support the topic, they could benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen the arguments made.
task achievement
The essay successfully addresses the prompt and offers a clear opinion on the topic.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are both well-written, giving the essay a clear framework.
content development
The essay makes a good attempt to support the main points with examples, which improves its overall effectiveness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Instantaneous
  • Over-reliance
  • Digital communication
  • Face-to-face interaction
  • Body language
  • Verbal communication
  • Social isolation
  • Physical social interactions
  • Sense of loneliness
  • Professional relationships
  • Personal relationships
  • Emotional connections
  • Networking
  • Building rapport
  • Counter-argument
  • Balanced communication
  • Enhanced social bonds
What to do next:
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