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Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Technology become a basic need for human daily activity from
at
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early stage of human being. I strongly agree that using
smartphones
 for hours of our daily life could
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some negative impact, especially for
children
. A smartphone is one kind of
gadgets
Fix the agreement mistake
gadget
show examples
, which can help
children
 to gain information in one place and at one time.
Firstly
,
Children
 are people who are highly curious about their world. They intended to explore their world, which
smartphones
 provided to make
children
 afford various content,
such
 as education and entertainment with enjoyable methods for them to absorb. It facilitated them to create their knowledge and creativity.
Secondly
,
children
 find it easier to connect with their relatives, which can help them avoid criminal issues, especially when they do their daily activities outside relatives-eyes,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 school and leisure time with friends.
Smartphones
 ensure they
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
gain full protection and save.
On the other hand
, using
smartphones
 can provide many distractions and maladaptation to the real world.
Firstly
,
children
 who spend their whole day
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 than
their
Change the word
the
show examples
real-world
Correct your spelling
real world
show examples
 can delay their lifespan development, which is their social skill.
Children
intended to
Verb problem
have
show examples
 speech
delay
Fix the agreement mistake
delays
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they just
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
real conversation with their relatives.
Secondly
,
children
 who consume a smartphone intensely can fail to reduce the content. Once
children
 can’t choose content wisely,
then
 they
possible
Replace the word
are likely
show examples
 to
modelling
Wrong verb form
model
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 the information, which
probably
Add a missing verb
is probably
show examples
 not for their ages. In conclusion,
children
 who use
smartphones
 for hours every day can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their development throughout their lifespan.
Submitted by alifahmad1799 on

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task achievement
The task response addresses the prompt but could be further developed. Aim to provide a more balanced discussion with thorough explanations for why children spend hours on smartphones.
task achievement
Clarify your points and ensure each argument is adequately supported. Providing specific examples or studies would enhance the strength of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While there is a clear structure, the essay could benefit from smoother transitions between points. Ensure each paragraph flows logically into the next to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure to increase clarity. Some sentences are confusing and could be rephrased for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay covers multiple aspects of the issue, both positive and negative effects of smartphone use by children.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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