In aomw cultures, children are often told that they can achive anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

There are many
sociaties
Correct your spelling
societies
in the world,
children
are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard accurately. Doing hard work, there are many advantages and disadvantages. I will describe my
expecibe
Correct your spelling
experience
in more detail below. On the one hand, there are many advantages,
to begin
with,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
motivation
might change
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
and encourage them gradually.
Thus
Correct your spelling
This
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
to increase physical activities to get a successful life.
such
as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
sports
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
,
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
, scientists and so on.
Secondly
, in our society,
such
as Bangladesh is my country. There are many
children
,
whom
Change the pronoun
who
show examples
are very
capabale
Correct your spelling
capable
to do
Change preposition
of doing
show examples
hard work.
By contrast
, they have no
risk taking
Add a hyphen
risk-taking
show examples
abilities. A good
motivation
speach
Correct your spelling
speech
can grow up their risk abilities.
Finally
, a
failure
Replace the word
failed
show examples
person
thought
Wrong verb form
thinks
show examples
they are
gurb
Correct your spelling
grub
for
nation
Add an article
the nation
show examples
. A supportive
motivation
could remove
stressness
Correct your spelling
stress
. So they
started
Add the particle
started to
show examples
try again and again and never
give
Wrong verb form
gave
show examples
up. 
On the other hand
, there are many drawbacks,
To begin
with, it is true that supportive
speach
Correct your spelling
speech
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
capability but sometimes
created
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
a lot of
depressions
Fix the agreement mistake
depression
show examples
. By following
motivation
, they sacrifice
socail
Correct your spelling
social
and personal activities.
For example
, sleep, meeting with friends, and so on.
As a result
, they will suffer from physical and mental
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
Also
, pushing them
too
Change preposition
under too
show examples
much pressure
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
a lot of problems. Sometimes they would addicted
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
drugs
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
create social problems.In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a good positive speech would encourage
children
to get
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
,
such
as Leo
Messk
Correct your spelling
Messi
, Nyamer,
Pro
Correct word choice
and Pro
show examples
. Muhammad Younus, and so on. But sometimes it could
damange
Correct your spelling
damage
their life.
Submitted by mdtipusultanakhand on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay responds to the task and addresses the advantages and disadvantages. However, some ideas are not fully developed or are too general. More specific examples and explanations would improve your score.
coherence cohesion
There are several grammatical and spelling errors that affect readability. Pay attention to simple mistakes such as 'sociaties' (societies) and 'sacrifice socail' (sacrifice social).
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear paragraphing and logical flow in some places. Try to structure your essay logically, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea and clearly linking your points together.
coherence cohesion
Improve your introduction by clearly stating what the essay will discuss. Similarly, a stronger conclusion that summarizes the main points more effectively would be beneficial.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay shows your personal engagement with the topic, which is positive.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: