These days in some countries an increasing number of young adults are choosing their whole weekends inside homes. Why do you think it is happening ? Is this a positive or negative development?
In
modern
era, Add an article
the modern
adolecents
from various countries seem to choose Correct your spelling
adolescents
spending
their Change the verb form
to spend
weekends
on
Change preposition
at
homes
rather than go somewhere to enjoy their vacation. It is happening as an impact of sophisticated technology Fix the agreement mistake
home
particularly
smartphones. Add the comma(s)
, particularly
Moreover
, I believe that this
is a downside of negative development.
exercise
Firstly
, vast
majority of adults nowadays have their own smartphones and because of that, they Add an article
the vast
are
more interacted on playing Verb problem
interact
phones
even when it is weekends
. It causes more and more Change preposition
at weekends
teenegers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
choosing
to stay at home. The result of Change the verb form
to choose
this
behavior
is lowering interaction with each other. It can be seen in big cities, where many teenagers are more likely to spend Change the spelling
behaviour
time
on
their rooms Change preposition
in
to play
Verb problem
playing with their
phones
and ignore
other Wrong verb form
ignoring
people
in their areas. It causes minimum interaction and they sometime
do know their neighbors. If Replace the word
sometimes
this
situation continues, it will encourage more adults to abandon people
around them.
Secondly
, in previous years, weekends
were become a good time
to exercise. It is because at
Add the comma(s)
, at
these
Correct determiner usage
this
time
, people
did not go to work or school. However
, in modern days, people
spend mostly
their Fix the agreement mistake
most of
time
in front of their devices regardless of days. It gives
an impact on lowering Verb problem
has
Correct article usage
the frequently
frequently
of exercise. Replace the word
frequency
Instead
of jogging in the fields, or doing sports in the gyms, teenagers are more likely to choose laying on their beds and playing phones
. As a result
, many adults are suffering from various types of illness such
as obosity
. It is a piece of evidence that choosing to spend whole Correct your spelling
obesity
weekends
inside homes will provide
Verb problem
have
negative
impact.
In conclusion, I believe that Correct article usage
a negative
this
condion
occurs Correct your spelling
condition
due to
development
of technology especially smarthones which cause Correct article usage
the development
adolecents
more attracted Correct your spelling
adolescents
on
their own Change preposition
to
phones
rather than spending time
outside. Several negative effects can be seen such
as limiting interaction with each other and causing various deseases
.Correct your spelling
diseases
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task achievement
Work on grammatical accuracy to make your ideas clearer. Proofread your work to correct spelling and minor grammatical errors such as 'adolecents' should be 'adolescents' and 'obosity' should be 'obesity'.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas further and provide more in-depth explanations and examples. For instance, you could discuss how technology impacts social skills or provide statistics on health issues related to sedentary lifestyles.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are well-structured and that there is a logical progression between ideas. For instance, use more transitional phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Revise sentence structures to avoid repetition and improve readability. For example, instead of repeating 'It is happening because...' use synonyms or different sentence structures to convey the same message.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both parts of the question: the reason behind young adults staying at home and your opinion on whether it is a positive or negative development.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly state your main argument, which helps the reader to follow your essay easily.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples, such as the impact of smartphones and the importance of exercise, which help to support your main points.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.