IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some people believe that can sports man earn more money than a good business man. Do you agree or disagree . Give specific idea with specific examples.

#people #sports #man #money #business #idea
Before talking about things worth trying it’s necessary to say, that taking up new experiences boosts your brain. It’s admitted with several researches, because
in
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it
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 turned out that our neural connections are being built during crucial changes in our life. What’s
more
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more,
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 I am convinced that sustainable changes in our lives force our potential to grow as mature personalities. Returning to our main topic I would like to experience jumping with
parachute
Correct article usage
a parachute
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, but it feels like I’m not ready for
this
, because lots of bad circumstances are coming up in
by
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my
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 mind every time I wonder about the jump. The next one I’d like to renew is attendance
of
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in
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 guitar classes. I remember when
I’ve
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I’d
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 spent almost 4 years at music lessons and could play complicated classical Spanish ballades or etudes. It would be wonderful if I
take
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took
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 classes again and more seriously at
this
 time.
Additionally
, I remember how I was
excited
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so excited
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of
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about
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Japanese
 philosophy, that I decided to start learning
Japanese
 and even enter
to
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 University, where I could study
Japanese
Correct article usage
the Japanese
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 region as a professional. I wonder if my life
turns
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will turn
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 towards
Japanese
 culture again and I will start diving into characters and funny grammar of the language.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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task response
Your essay touches on various interesting points, but it needs a stronger introduction and conclusion. Make your main argument clearer from the start and summarize your points more effectively at the end.
task response
Your ideas are generally well-expressed, but they sometimes lack sufficient detail. Ensure that each point you make is supported by specific examples or further explanation.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay flows relatively well, more attention could be paid to smooth transitions between paragraphs. This will help to maintain a logical structure and enhance overall readability.
coherence and cohesion
Consider dividing your essay into clear paragraphs each focusing on a single idea. This will help the reader to follow your argument more easily and understand the distinct points you are making.
task response
You have introduced some intriguing ideas and personal experiences, which makes the essay engaging.
coherence and cohesion
Your language use is sound and demonstrates a good command of English.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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