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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Children
Use synonyms
 are one of the crucial stages of
development
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, namely the golden age. At
this
Linking Words
 time, there are many aspects that can be stimulated and developed so that their
development
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 is more optimal,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 there are many inhibiting factors that can become a nuisance for
children
Use synonyms
, one of which is a smartphone when not used wisely. Nowadays,
smartphones
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 have become a part of life in every circle.
However
Linking Words
, special attention needs to be given to
children
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 so that they can provide more optimal education to
children
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.
Smartphones
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 have many benefits, they can be used as learning media for
children
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,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 can be used for
children
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 to play.
However
Linking Words
, in the current conditions, with all the hustle and bustle of activities carried out by those around them and even without assistance from those closest to them,
smartphones
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 are being misused and becoming dangerous tools for
children
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. So that when the
child
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 spends a day with phones is a negative
development
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 because there are many causes can
be happen
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happen
show examples
 when the
child
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doing
Wrong verb form
does
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 that.
For example
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 the case
on
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of
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 Jakarta that there is a
child
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going
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 blind because
uncontrolled
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of uncontrolled
show examples
 phone activity, the doctor said that the radiation from the phone
causes
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
 some
nerve
Fix the agreement mistake
nerves
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
child
Change the noun
child's
show examples
 eye
become
Add the particle
to become
show examples
 injured even severed.
Besides
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 that, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 other cases
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
child
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 can not control their emotion because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
Use synonyms
smartphones
Change noun form
smartphone's
show examples
 activity, they play a rude game, and
then
Linking Words
 when their parents or their siblings take the smartphone, the
child
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become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
tantrum
Correct article usage
a tantrum
show examples
, angry even can hit
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 people around who take their phone. So, from the explanation above about the
Use synonyms
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 activity on
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
 hours every day on their
Use synonyms
smartphones
Add a comma
smartphones,
show examples
 we can conclude that
this
Linking Words
 case is a negative
development
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 because it can cause many bad things
such
Linking Words
 as lack of emotional control, lack of
confuses
Replace the word
confusion
show examples
, blindness and inhibit the
development
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 of the
children
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.
Submitted by alifahmad1799 on

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task achievement
You have addressed the topic generally but to achieve a higher score, ensure you cover all parts of the prompt thoroughly. Explain in more detail why children spend hours on their smartphones and balance the discussion by exploring positive aspects as well.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your essay more clearly. Use paragraphs to divide different points and aspects about the negative impacts of smartphone use on children. A clearer structure will help the reader follow your arguments better.
supported main points
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence. Adding real-life scenarios, research findings, or statistics can make your points more convincing and credible.
task achievement
The essay addresses an important contemporary issue and provides some relevant examples to support the arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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