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Band 5

Traditional medicine, such as acupuncture and herbal remedies, is very popular in some countries. Those who practise traditional medicine claim it is better than modern medicine in maintaining and improving health. Do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint?

#medicine #acupuncture #remedies #countries #practise #health
In some parts of the world, traditional
medicine
practioners
Correct your spelling
practitioners
 claimed to have better
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in curing illness than modern
medicine
,
such
 as doctors, leading to high popularity. I personally disagree with
this
 statement and I will elaborate more in
this
 essay.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traditional healers do not have any scientific
based
Verb problem
apply
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evidence
in improving
Change preposition
to improve
show examples
 health. As they usually practice based on experiences only, their
medicine
 is not trustworthy and credible.
Thus
, it leads to worse cases that may happen to their patients.
For example
, in Indonesia, many people prefer to go to traditional healers
for reducing
Change preposition
to reduce
show examples
 pain when they have injured their ankles. The healers
then
 usually give them some massages on the injured areas and prescripted natural treatments. They may temporarily feel better in their ankle,
however
, by doing only some massages, they do not know there is a potential serious
damaged
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damage
show examples
 in the internal area of the body.
Secondly
, there is no official standard
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 using traditional remedies. In order to prescript some herbal treatments, many traditional practitioners do not have
biological based
Add a hyphen
biological-based
show examples
 sources. If something bad
happened
Wrong verb form
happens
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 to their patients' health conditions, they usually
asked
Wrong verb form
ask
show examples
 them to go to
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
show examples
 because they do not have any
further
 treatment.
For instance
, in Sulawesi, a traditional healer asks old people to drink snake's blood
for maintaining
Change preposition
to maintain
show examples
 health,
whereas
 based on scientific research, the blood contains much bacteria. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, some elderlies have disease complications
due to
this
 suggestion. In conclusion, it seems that the lack of scientific evidence is a substantial drawback
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having traditional
medicine
,
therefore
, visiting doctors
appear
Correct subject-verb agreement
appears
show examples
 to be a
preferrable
Correct your spelling
preferable
show examples
 practice when we are sick.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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task achievement
Strengthen your argument by addressing potential counter-arguments. This can demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences are directly related to that idea. This will improve coherence and make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Review the essay for grammatical accuracy and vocabulary usage to enhance clarity and coherence. Small grammatical errors can sometimes distract the reader.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your argument, which strengthens your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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