IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the increasing use of smartphones and other mobile devices has led to a rise in technology addiction. They argue that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.  To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #smartphones #devices #rise #technology #addiction
There is
saying
Correct article usage
a saying
show examples
 that the rise of
smartphones user
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smartphone users
show examples
 and other gadget devices has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to an addiction
in
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to
show examples
technology
 that arguably becomes a challenge that
need
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needs
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 to be addressed. I disagree with
this
 statement because the advancement in using
technology
not
Add a missing verb
is not
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 only a mere
of
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apply
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addiction but can be a tool for increasing
nation's
Correct article usage
a nation's
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 economic growth.  
In
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On
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one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand,
technology
, particularly smartphones, has become a
catalist
Correct your spelling
catalyst
 for
digital
Add an article
the digital
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 economy. The price of mobile
phone
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phones
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 has been decreasing since it
emerges
Wrong verb form
emerged
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 in
1990s
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the 1990s
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 and
people
 from less affluent
household
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households
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 now can afford
it
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them
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 to help their livelihood. Nowadays, the rise of
technology
 has
been enabling
Wrong verb form
enabled
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people
 who live close to
poverty
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the poverty
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 line to get adequate jobs from
digital
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the digital
show examples
 sector.
For example
, with the rise of start-up
company
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companies
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, jobs
such
 as food delivery and online taxi
driver
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drivers
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 that
previously
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were previously
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 deemed as
low skilled
Add a hyphen
low-skilled
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 jobs and part of informal now
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 an added value because of
technology
. Mainly, it has a big contribution to the economic growth.  
On the other hand
, we can't overlook the negative impact of the
advacement
Correct your spelling
advancement
 of
technology
such
 as daily
screentime
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screen time
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 duration. Ironically,
people
 who
too
Add a missing verb
are too
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 attached to their
smartphone
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smartphones
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 tend to have less interaction with others.
Nevertheless
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 has made a long-distance relationship closer. During
pandemic
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a pandemic
the pandemic
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, for
instances
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instance
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,
technology
 has helped any activities to be carried from home
to
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apply
show examples
.
To conclude
,
although
 there is
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a problem
the problem
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problem
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problems
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 that
arise
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arises
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 because of the development of
technology
such
 as addiction,
however
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however,
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 we can't deny the impact of
economy
Add an article
the economy
an economy
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 that has been contributed by that development.
People
 can
be easily exit
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easily exit
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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unemployment
due to
impact
Correct article usage
the impact
show examples
 of technological development.
Submitted by sariksma on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction presents a clear thesis statement that outlines the main arguments of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Make use of transition words to guide the reader through your arguments clearly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, and make sure they are directly related to your argument. This will enhance the depth of your response.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view with arguments on both sides of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You've made a solid effort to discuss the economic benefits of technology, which adds depth to your argument.
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