IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the increasing use of smartphones and other mobile devices has led to a rise in technology addiction. They argue that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.  To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #smartphones #devices #rise #technology #addiction
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There is
saying
Correct article usage
a saying
show examples
 that the rise of
smartphones user
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphone users
show examples
 and other gadget devices has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to an addiction
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
technology
Use synonyms
 that arguably becomes a challenge that
need
Change the verb form
needs
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 to be addressed. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because the advancement in using
technology
Use synonyms
not
Add a missing verb
is not
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 only a mere
of
Change preposition
apply
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addiction but can be a tool for increasing
nation's
Correct article usage
a nation's
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 economic growth.  
In
Change preposition
On
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one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand,
technology
Use synonyms
, particularly smartphones, has become a
catalist
Correct your spelling
catalyst
 for
digital
Add an article
the digital
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 economy. The price of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 has been decreasing since it
emerges
Wrong verb form
emerged
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 in
1990s
Change the article
the 1990s
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 and
people
Use synonyms
 from less affluent
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
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 now can afford
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 to help their livelihood. Nowadays, the rise of
technology
Use synonyms
 has
been enabling
Wrong verb form
enabled
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who live close to
poverty
Add an article
the poverty
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 line to get adequate jobs from
digital
Add an article
the digital
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 sector.
For example
Linking Words
, with the rise of start-up
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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, jobs
such
Linking Words
 as food delivery and online taxi
driver
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drivers
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 that
previously
Add a missing verb
were previously
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 deemed as
low skilled
Add a hyphen
low-skilled
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 jobs and part of informal now
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 an added value because of
technology
Use synonyms
. Mainly, it has a big contribution to the economic growth.  
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we can't overlook the negative impact of the
advacement
Correct your spelling
advancement
 of
technology
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as daily
screentime
Correct your spelling
screen time
show examples
 duration. Ironically,
people
Use synonyms
 who
too
Add a missing verb
are too
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 attached to their
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 tend to have less interaction with others.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
Use synonyms
 has made a long-distance relationship closer. During
pandemic
Add an article
a pandemic
the pandemic
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, for
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance
show examples
,
technology
Use synonyms
 has helped any activities to be carried from home
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there is
Add an article
a problem
the problem
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 that
arise
Change the verb form
arises
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 because of the development of
technology
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as addiction,
Linking Words
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
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 we can't deny the impact of
economy
Add an article
the economy
an economy
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 that has been contributed by that development.
People
Use synonyms
 can
be easily exit
Change the verb form
easily exit
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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unemployment
due to
Linking Words
impact
Correct article usage
the impact
show examples
 of technological development.
Submitted by sariksma on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction presents a clear thesis statement that outlines the main arguments of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Make use of transition words to guide the reader through your arguments clearly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, and make sure they are directly related to your argument. This will enhance the depth of your response.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view with arguments on both sides of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You've made a solid effort to discuss the economic benefits of technology, which adds depth to your argument.
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