celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. to what extend do you agree and disagree?
Young
people
often get some motivation by
what they are watchingChange preposition
from
to
, unfortunately, Change preposition
apply
media
nowadays often shares unnecessary news
. Most of the time, media
talks about Correct article usage
the media
news
which come
from celebrities and Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
bring
up their glamour Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
lifestyle
. Media
does not highlight the other positive side, Correct article usage
The media
such
as achievements, so young people
do
not really aware Verb problem
are
about
it. In Change preposition
of
this
essay, I will examine the dangerous
of Replace the word
dangers
this
behavior.
A quote said that,
“we are based on what we watch”. Meanwhile, the majority of celebrities become famous and show their Remove the comma
apply
lifestyle
, young people
tend to also
focus on their own lifestyle
. Focusing on lifestyle
could make young people
become consumptive. It will be worse when they try to imitate the lifestyle
that they could not
really afford. Wrong verb form
cannot
This
behavior would lead them into bad financial habit
. And the worst part is Fix the agreement mistake
habits
this
not only will affect their financial
, but other aspects Replace the word
finances
in
life, Change preposition
of
such
as academic
.
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
Academic
should be one of the most important Fix the agreement mistake
Academics
aspect
for young Change to a plural noun
aspects
people
. They really need to focus on it to have a better life, then
when their focus is shifted into
Change preposition
to
lifestyle
, the academic
will be forgotten. That Fix the agreement mistake
academics
because
these young Add a missing verb
is because
people
do not have a role model in academic
field. Add an article
the academic
an academic
This
happened because the media
does not highlight people
with achievements. For example
, when there are some conflicts between celebrities, media
will spread Correct article usage
the media
this
news
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
in
their platform. Meanwhile, when there Change preposition
on
is
some students who won the international olympiad, there is no Change the verb form
are
media
who will highlight this
.
In conclusion, media
Correct article usage
the media
need
to be more Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
balance
in giving Replace the word
balanced
news
. However
, I agree that young people
need to filter any information that they got
. Verb problem
have
This
principle will bring
a good effect Verb problem
have
for
them.Change preposition
on
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task response
To improve your essay, consider presenting more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific celebrities known for their glamorous lifestyle and contrast them with figures who achieved success through other means.
task response
Work on expanding your ideas more comprehensively. For example, elaborate on how imitating a glamorous lifestyle could lead to neglecting academic responsibilities and possible long-term consequences beyond financial habits.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the coherence by ensuring smoother connections between points. Using transition phrases and more varied sentence structures can help in creating a more fluent narrative.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear and focused topic sentence to guide the reader through your arguments and make the essay’s logical structure more transparent.
task response
Your essay develops a clear point of view on the topic, discussing the potentially harmful effects of a celebrity-focused media on young people.
coherence and cohesion
You have a well-structured conclusion that recapitulates the main points and offers a nuanced opinion.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite