celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. to what extend do you agree and disagree?
Young
people
often get some motivation Use synonyms
by
what they are watchingChange preposition
from
to
, unfortunately, Change preposition
apply
media
nowadays often shares unnecessary Use synonyms
news
. Most of the time, Use synonyms
Use synonyms
media
talks about Correct article usage
the media
news
which Use synonyms
come
from celebrities and Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
bring
up their glamour Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
lifestyle
. Use synonyms
Use synonyms
Media
does not highlight the other positive side, Correct article usage
The media
such
as achievements, so young Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
do
not really aware Verb problem
are
about
it. In Change preposition
of
this
essay, I will examine the Linking Words
dangerous
of Replace the word
dangers
this
behavior.
A quote said thatLinking Words
,
“we are based on what we watch”. Meanwhile, the majority of celebrities become famous and show their Remove the comma
apply
lifestyle
, young Use synonyms
people
tend to Use synonyms
also
focus on their own Linking Words
lifestyle
. Focusing on Use synonyms
lifestyle
could make young Use synonyms
people
become consumptive. It will be worse when they try to imitate the Use synonyms
lifestyle
that they Use synonyms
could not
really afford. Wrong verb form
cannot
This
behavior would lead them into bad financial Linking Words
habit
. And the worst part is Fix the agreement mistake
habits
this
not only will affect their Linking Words
financial
, but other aspects Replace the word
finances
in
life, Change preposition
of
such
as Linking Words
academic
.
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
Academic
should be one of the most important Fix the agreement mistake
Academics
aspect
for young Change to a plural noun
aspects
people
. They really need to focus on it to have a better life, Use synonyms
then
when their focus is shifted Linking Words
into
Change preposition
to
lifestyle
, the Use synonyms
academic
will be forgotten. That Fix the agreement mistake
academics
because
these young Add a missing verb
is because
people
do not have a role model in Use synonyms
academic
field. Add an article
the academic
an academic
This
happened because the Linking Words
media
does not highlight Use synonyms
people
with achievements. Use synonyms
For example
, when there are some conflicts between celebrities, Linking Words
Use synonyms
media
will spread Correct article usage
the media
this
Linking Words
news
Use synonyms
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
in
their platform. Meanwhile, when there Change preposition
on
is
some students who won the international olympiad, there is no Change the verb form
are
media
who will highlight Use synonyms
this
.
In conclusion, Linking Words
Use synonyms
media
Correct article usage
the media
need
to be more Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
balance
in giving Replace the word
balanced
news
. Use synonyms
However
, I agree that young Linking Words
people
need to filter any information that they Use synonyms
got
. Verb problem
have
This
principle will Linking Words
bring
a good effect Verb problem
have
for
them.Change preposition
on
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task response
To improve your essay, consider presenting more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific celebrities known for their glamorous lifestyle and contrast them with figures who achieved success through other means.
task response
Work on expanding your ideas more comprehensively. For example, elaborate on how imitating a glamorous lifestyle could lead to neglecting academic responsibilities and possible long-term consequences beyond financial habits.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the coherence by ensuring smoother connections between points. Using transition phrases and more varied sentence structures can help in creating a more fluent narrative.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear and focused topic sentence to guide the reader through your arguments and make the essay’s logical structure more transparent.
task response
Your essay develops a clear point of view on the topic, discussing the potentially harmful effects of a celebrity-focused media on young people.
coherence and cohesion
You have a well-structured conclusion that recapitulates the main points and offers a nuanced opinion.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite